


Put It On My Tab (If It Hurts You Bad)

by estel_willow, mandsangelfox



Series: The Only Place I Call Home [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eventual Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character - Freeform, Slow Build, Slow Burn, emotional whumping, post - st:itd, right in the feels?, strange alien races
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 15:21:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 39,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estel_willow/pseuds/estel_willow, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandsangelfox/pseuds/mandsangelfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy knows he can't be a good doctor when he's so invested in his crew, in his Captain. He'd just never thought that it would be so difficult to step back and away and be okay with it.</p>
<p>Post ST:ITD, runs parallel with Even If You Let Go (I'll be holding on)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stardate 2259.60

**Author's Note:**

> So this is quite a long fic, it's split into days, so some parts will be a lot longer than others, just a warning :) Feedback is love!
> 
> Whilst the whole fic is indicated as co-authored, the entirety of this work was written by me, and the entirety of Estel_Willow's work, [Even If You Let Go (I'll be holding on)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/914690) was written by her, however the dialogue is co-written.

_Stardate 2259.60_

Now Leonard McCoy didn’t do things easily and he most certainly didn’t take things lightly, especially when his professionalism as a Doctor happened to be at stake. Honestly though he should have seen this coming. Should have spotted it when he started letting Jim call him Bones, when he let him crash in his room when he couldn’t sleep and how he seemed to let the kids pull all kinds of shit that he wouldn’t put up with normally. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, those three words were becoming a steady staple of Bones’ life. The exact same thing had happened with his ex-wife and it was happening all over again. Hell, he could already feel his feet slipping on a sharp incline which would only end in hurt, for him and everybody else around him.

He’d long since abandoned objectivity in favour of absolute emotional involvement despite himself and _dammit_ nobody could be a good Doctor if they were _too_ involved. When he should have been focusing on distancing himself from the horrific moments that seemed to plague the Enterprise all too frequently it would seem he found himself worrying that he was going to miss something. All because he cared _too_ much and all because he couldn’t ignore the panic that clamoured at him each and every time Jim did something stupid, which was quite a bit, it was Jim Kirk after all.

Not that it was just Jim, there were others as well, the entire crew to be more exact. Even the mule headed Vulcan that wound Bones up. He couldn’t distance himself, couldn’t stop caring and he was hyper aware that it might be affecting the care he was giving. Honestly he was fearful of getting sloppy all because he couldn’t separate his personal feelings from doing the job. 

But, really, when you thought about it, this was all Jim’s fault. Like always.

If he hadn’t been so bright eyed and bushy tailed, seeing past the good Doctor’s brash exterior that normally put people off, insisting on talking to him and wiggling his way past all Bones’ blockades and barricades. Maybe just maybe if he hadn’t done that then Bones would have stood a chance against the onslaught. As it was he stood a better chance of fight off a raging bull than he did Jim Kirk. For the most part Leonard McCoy could push his feelings to one side and ignore the very human emotional response to bad situations, but it would that as soon as those situations involved Jim he abandoned all reason in favour of pure insanity. It wasn’t a predicament the normally stoic Doctor was overly fond of being in, especially as he was a damn capable Doctor and Starfleet Officer.

Things had really come to a head for Bones when the whole Khan fiasco (which had been a bad idea from the get go) had kicked off and what should have been a ticking time bomb exploded into a cacophony of mess and all out chaos. Then Jim had to go and do the foolhardy idiot thing of climbing into the warp core. It was at that precise moment that Bones realised that he was, quite simply put, fucked. 

He’d been able to manage the conflict of interest just fine before Jim had gone sacrificing himself for the good of the crew, but everything shifted after that. It was like he’d forgotten how to do the most basic of things when Jim’s body had been brought into his sickbay, long since dead, radiation poisoning firmly ingrained in every single one of his friend’s DNA sequences, and in that moment Bones had felt… deflated, blank, and utterly powerless.  
Luck had been on their side because that Tribble couldn’t have picked a better time to make its miraculous recovery, but securing Khan’s blood hadn’t been the hard part, the hard part came later. Much, much later. 

The weeks that proceeded Jim’s “death” were by far some of the most harrowing Bones had lived through, especially as he’d spent a large majority of that time dragging Jim back from the brink and talking to his sleeping form until he was sure his throat was scraped raw. Not that Jim knew that because Bones had done his damnedest to keep that ordeal quiet. He fell apart in private, away from prying eyes and each day he spent reviving Jim he plastered a stern and all too serious face on, to stop people from shooting him pitying looks because God help him he would end the first person that tried to reassure him. He’d had himself convinced that it didn’t matter how long or how many times he had to do the dance he’d keep moving in step with it until Jim breathed on his own again.

It had taken so many attempts, so many failed moments and Bones had been at his wits end, especially as for every day that passed people looked to him for the miracle cure that would bring their Captain back to life. He had at one point muttered “I’m a Doctor, not a miracle worker” in a moment of utter despondency because it would seem for all his smarts he wasn’t getting anywhere.

Not that he’d given up because Bones hadn’t been about to do that to Jim, not when other folk had done that enough. He’d kept working, putting in the hours, being the constantly tugging force on the tenuous grip that Jim had on life. Eventually it had paid off, but there was no way Bones was ever forgetting that month and a half, not now and not ever. 

And when he was sure Jim was well enough, was in the way of taking his pills or at least until he had the crew trained to remind him if he forgot that Bones started looking for an out if you will. Not because he wanted, but because he had no other choice. If he stayed on the Enterprise then he’d screw something up due to his emotions getting the better of him and it would be Jim and the others that would pay the price. They deserved a CMO who was capable of doing his job without letting his feelings get in the way. Truth be told, Bones couldn’t watch Jim shrug it off, pretend for all the world like everything was okay when it wasn’t, it was far from okay and Bones was scared. Scared of how he felt, the impulses he had, the overwhelming desire he had to tie Jim to his bed and keep him there for however long it took to convince him that he didn’t need to play the hero all the time.

Thankfully it would seem the USS-Endeavour had an opening for a CMO and Captain Holloway seemed pretty eager to have Bones on board, something about how he was the best Doctor he’d seen come out of the Academy and the best Starfleet had to offer. Now, Bones didn’t much mind having his ego stroked, but he did point out that there were plenty of good Doctors from the Academy and in Starfleet’s ranks, but Holloway was having none of it. The transfer paperwork was filed and yes, maybe he should have spoken to Jim about it, but he’d been scared to because he knew Jim. He knew Jim’d find a way to convince Bones to stay and that couldn’t happen, not when his CMO had been, to steal the Vulcan’s words, “emotionally compromised”. Spock had had to step down from Command and Bones, well, he needed off the Enterprise.

But he knew sure as he did that his grandmother would have his ass for this that Jim was going to come storming into his office, demanding some sort of explanation and looking very much like a kicked puppy. And it didn’t take long, longer than Bones expected, but still not long by Jim’s standards. This wasn’t a conversation Bones wanted to have, especially after everything, but Jim wasn’t about to let this lie. Not when he wanted answers. Boy was worse than a pit-bull, he really was.

Of course not that he seemed to get a word in edge-ways because Jim was off on one from the very beginning. "If you were that unhappy here, why wouldn't you just talk to me? Why send me this-" The PADD was tossed onto his desk "-already signed by you and Captain Holloway with the transfer _agreed in principle_? I'm your CO, Bones, you're meant to talk to me first, not go behind my back if you wanna get off this fucking ship."

His jaw worked against itself as he tried to figure out what to say without being honest because honesty would just land him in a whole other world of trouble. "That's not what-“ And then Jim jumped in again, making Bones tense and steel himself as best he could against a sudden flare of annoyance.

"I'm not finished. Look, I don't get why you wanna leave, you're the best doctor in the fleet and you're on the best ship with the best crew and-"

Right, well, Bones felt far older than he had any right to in this particular moment as he felt the wrath of Jim's anger and the absolute confusion that Bones, his best friend, could have done something so underhanded. He'd had to because if he hadn't then he sure as shit was never leaving the Enterprise, never leaving _Jim_ and all he'd do was hurt people. He soon took to folding his arms across his chest as if that would keep Jim at arm's length, would keep the kid from getting too close because he couldn't handle that right now.

"You done now, kid?" Bones could feel the beginnings of a headache, but that was to be expected. His jaw was tense and his entire body was ramrod straight, all because he didn't want to show a chink in his armour. That very same armour he’d adorned since Jim had woke up and he knew he was out of the woods because he needed something to just hold himself together or he was at serious threat of simply falling apart at the seams like an old ragdoll. He certainly felt like one. With eyes pressed shut he took to pressing a finger and thumb against the bridge of his nose as he breathed, focusing past the urge he had to grab hold of Jim and shake him until the fool of a man understood that Bones was not doing this to hurt him but to save him. 

Eventually he opened one eye to regard Jim before in a further silent action he took a hold of the PADD, gaze taking in his request, unable to believe it himself. He was really doing this, leaving the Enterprise, leaving Jim and all the friends he'd made. A part of him wanted to scream _"stop me, Jim"_ or even _"deny my transfer request"_ because he didn't want to leave, but he felt like he had no other choice, not when he didn't trust himself around Jim. 

Not that those were the words that escaped the Enterprise's current CMO after he'd moistened his lower lip. "Starfleet regulations say I can ask to transfer whenever I want, Jim," he said slowly, still censoring himself because he couldn't say what he wanted to, it wouldn't do anyone any good. "I can't work here anymore."

"Why not?" Jim pressed just like always in a way not too dissimilar to the way the ocean beat against rocks until they'd worn them down to sand. And then he let slip with that soft, "you promised-" and it cut through Bones like a hot knife through butter. It hurt, that Jim was taking this action for abandoning him when all Bones was trying to do was in his best interests. What good was a CMO who couldn't let you out of his sight because he was so fucking scared that the next time will be the time when he loses you?

So instead of letting that hurt show through he reverted to a low burning anger as he got to his feet, hoping the shift might help him keep his shit together. _Please, Jim, just stop pushing._ Because if he didn't then Bones would crack and Jim would see the raw open wound left in the wake of his friend's death. "Dammit, Jim, you don't think I know that? You don't think I wouldn't be requesting a transfer if I didn't think there was any other damn way for me to stay on board this ship? I don't wanna leave, but I can't stay. Jim you gotta understand that and just approve my damn transfer, kid, 'cause believe me, it's better for everyone that way."

"Everyone? Or just you?" Jim asked and before Bones had a chance to reply there was a hand effectively cutting him off and it was in that moment he knew he'd lost James Tiberius Kirk. Well, good, it was better. He'd rather Jim be angry with him, especially if it meant he got his way, got off this ship and far away where he couldn't do anybody any harm. 

Right here and now he knew his friendship with Jim was over, it was no longer, a soon to be long distant memory and Bones ignored the way his chest clenched and his stomach rolled. He merely gave a nod to Jim's tight and distant remark as he left the office, promoting M'Benga in the same instant. 

His grave dug, the coffin lowered and the final nail hammered home as his office door slid shut.

Fourteen hours, that was all the time he had left.

He’d best start packing.

****

It was astounding how much stuff a person could gather if they got too settled or had space for it and Bones was no exception to that. For the most part he’d managed to fit most things into a bag or two, but there were some things like the bottle of Bourbon which had nursed him through the dark times and had also formed a lot of his interactions with Jim outside of working hours. They’d nurse a drink, and reminisce, talk about the Academy days and how Bones had always thought Jim was blowing hot air about becoming Captain and having Bones as his CMO. Jim always got this strangely intense look on his face as if he knew something that Bones didn’t, but Bones had never questioned it. Hadn’t wanted to, but maybe he should have? He didn’t know, but those stolen moments were something else. Especially as they made the world and all the associated events less… intense and Bones if he let himself could get lost in those precious hours. That was one of the many things that worried and had caused him to ask for a transfer.

He shouldn’t be _that_ reliant on Jim, he shouldn’t have let him get _that_ close, but who was Bones kidding? Jim had slipped through the cracks a long time ago, he’d just been denying it in the only way that he could because if he didn’t think it then it wouldn’t happen. Only it did and it was far too late for him to change the way he felt. The only thing he could do was distance himself, for the good of him and for the good of Jim. M’Benga was a good doctor, he’d be able to do the things that Bones couldn’t such as being able to care for Jim and the others without letting feelings get in the way. 

Hell, Bones broke so many Starfleet regulations with the way he played Doctor and he wasn’t really one for the rules, but maybe just maybe this time around there was something to be said for playing by the book?

In his handover he had provided M’Benga with all the information he’d compiled about Jim’s health and his massive amount of allergies, providing in-depth notes about what he could or could not be given and in what dosage. He’d also talked him through Jim’s medication, passed on a vial of the serum he’d manufactured from Khan’s blood and expressed the importance that he monitor Jim closely because the man was a stubborn ass and wouldn’t tell anybody if he wasn’t feeling great. He’d even gone through the list of the other ailments that bothered the rest of the crew with such ease and precision it was remarkable and it should have told Bones that he was worrying over nothing, but it would quite literally take being smacked upside the head by somebody before the doctor went and realised it. 

And then it came to the moment of truth, to the exact second he knew he needed to leave the quarters that had been his home for the last few years, ever since they’d stepped off Academy grounds and thrown themselves into the black.

What he hadn't expected was the waterworks from his fellow Enterprise crew members, but Bones did his best not to be awkward in the face of it because he wasn't the greatest with emotion. Not in a Vulcan, unaffected and bewildered way, but more of _'ah sweet Jesus you're crying'_ before some weak attempt at passing them a tissue. Not that the tissue satisfied most of those who cried around him because then they'd make with the grabby hands and Bones much to his own surprise would offer comfort. This fucking ship had made him soft or softer in comparison to who he'd been in the Academy. 

Hugs were exchanged as were parting words before Bones returned Lieutenant Castro's handshake, passing on words of stern. "Watch out for yourself 'cause I won't be around to patch you up."

"And we'll be sorrier for it," Castro had returned with such sincerity that it caused Bones' breath to hitch.

But instead of letting that be the thing that people remembered him for he snorted and shook his head. "Nah, ya'll are gonna be just fine. M'Benga is a fine doctor." Not as good as him, but still pretty fine. And it was easy to push a sting of hurt when he realised that in the crowd that had come to see him off there wasn't one trace of Jim. Of course he wouldn't come, why would he? Bones hated himself for hoping and for thinking that maybe just maybe that Jim could have respected his choice and not taken it as a personal slight. It wasn't, this was- _Goddamnit, Jim, I'm doing this for you_. 

Did he think Bones wanted to leave everything and everyone that was familiar to him? Did he really think that Bones was doing this because he wanted to? Want had given way to need a really long time ago, round about the time Bones had realised he felt more than he should. It wasn't going to be good for anyone for him to stay, better he leave and that way Jim could go on doing his thing and Bones wouldn't have to watch. He couldn't watch, couldn't wait for the moment when Jim did something stupid again and acted without thought, killing himself. He might be a glutton for punishment, but there was no way he was going to subject himself to standing in the shadows as Jim Kirk threw all caution to the wind because his gut told him it was the right thing to do and Bones wasn't about to tell Jim to change because if he did then the kid just wouldn't be who he was. 

He swallowed hard as he looked upwards, searching the catwalks, just on the off chance that maybe Jim was hiding as he did from things that he didn't want or couldn't handle. And then he saw him, stood with arms folded and looking all for the world like Bones had done him the most grievous of wrongs. One day Jim would thank him for this, when he realised that Bones was no good to anyone when he was too busy worrying about Jim's health than he did about the regulations, the very same that had kept Starfleet Officers going for longer than Bones had been alive. Bones had been pretty certain in the sickbay on the day of reckoning that his friendship with Jim was effectively terminated but _that_ smile in all its fakery and insincerity sealed the deal for Bones.

Well, fine, you want to play it like that, Captain, then so be it.

Not that it stopped him from watching after him when he turned his back and just left and it took Uhura touching his shoulder for Bones to realise he'd been staring. "Nothin'," he said with a shake of his head when she asked what he'd been looking at it. "Nothin' at all." And with that Bones gathered up his belongings and joined Captain Holloway on the shuttle that would carry the former CMO of the Enterprise to the Endeavour. Hell, he might have gotten better with shuttle trips since he'd first had that argument with that feisty Starfleet woman, but he still got a cold sweat at the idea of doing it without Jim beside him.

_Breathe, McCoy, just gotta breathe._

And that totally wasn’t Jim’s voice he heard in his head because yeah that was too pathetic to be true, but it worked, Bones stepped foot into the shuttle and then lifted a hand in parting as he left the Enterprise for what he was sure would be the final time.

M’Benga better take good care of them or there’d be hell to pay.


	2. Stardate 2259.70

_Stardate 2259.70 - Ten Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

Well so far the USS-Endeavour was proving to be boring in comparison to the Enterprise, but that was to be expected given that the Enterprise was the flagship for Starfleet and the Endeavour was one of its many research vessel. That was pretty much all it did, research. In the ten days since Bones had joined as CMO the ship had docked at four separate space stations and each one had proven as dull as the next, especially as the crew themselves for as nice as they were seemed to be permanently stuck on snooze as far as their conversations went.

Bones had at one point been regaled with talk about some sort of… poodle-like creature one Ensign had back home, she’d even gone as far to show him pictures. At some point he must have drifted off because she’d asked him if he was feeling okay and he’d lied all too well, pretending like he didn’t want to remove his eyeballs before he had to look at another picture of her ugly ass pet. It was up to him to make this work and that wasn’t about to happen if he went around insulting the crew, especially as he suspected this crew wouldn’t know a joke if it came up and bit them on their asses.

Green did not even begin to describe the USS-Endeavour’s crew, but then they were a research vessel so it wasn’t like they were expected to meet new races, engage the enemy or any of the thrilling things that the Enterprise had thrown its way. But Bones, he wasn’t going to complain or try not to, especially as he’d requested this transfer. It was up to him to make this work and he was not going crawling back because he would never ever live that down. Contrary to popular belief he still had his pride.

Thankfully Starfleet was keeping him pretty busy by throwing a lot of work at him and so Bones found easy excuses to avoid socialising because he didn’t want to a) fall into the same pitfall he had on the Enterprise and b) do the Enterprise the disservice of simply moving on like that. So far he’d seen more skinned knees than he had really cared to in all his time as a Starfleet doctor and it would seem that the USS-Endeavour needed to look into what was or was not effective birth control given that he had a lot of pregnancy scares.

Now this is where Bones chose not to apply the regulations as he understood better than most how lonely the black could be and how it was all too easy to fall into the arms of your fellow Officers, but he’d spoke rather sternly to those involved and he was damn sure there would be no repeats. If there was then he was obligated to inform the Captain, the same Captain he suspected wouldn’t be as forgiving as Jim.

And Bones hadn’t been ready for the sudden pain in his chest that Jim’s name brought and he knew right there that he’d made the right decision. Even if it hurt like a bitch.


	3. Stardate 2259.75

_Stardate 2259.75 - Fifteen Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

“Chief Medical Officer’s log, supplemental, stardate 2259.75. Still nothing to report, the USS-Endeavour’s crew remain in good health. Granted I’m givin’ serious consideration to suggesting to Starfleet that they give the ladies pants considering I’ve seen more skinned knees than I did as a child.” And then he paused, pinching the bridge of his nose with finger and thumb. Honestly, what did they expect him to say on these logs when nothing ever seemed to change? The USS-Endeavour was quite literally Starfleet’s version of Groundhog day. It was enough to drive a man crazy.

Clearing his throat Bones returned his attention to his log. “I’ve made good progress on the research projects that Starfleet have sent my way and I ought to be able to make a return on at least of five them before the end of the week.” 

He never got this much work done on the Enterprise because if it wasn’t some away mission gone wrong it was an allergic reaction, one if not treated correctly would swell a person’s throat closed. “Transferring from the Enterprise has been a real boost to my productivity-” And a real drag as well because Bones was _bored_. Hell, he’d started invented games such as ‘spot who is sleeping with who’ and ‘how many things can I throw at the trash recycler without missing’ along with ‘how long can I keep the handily provided stress ball in the air without it touching the ground’ just to keep himself occupied.

“I just hope the Enterprise is doin’ good in my absence. I mean it probably is ‘cause it’s not like the ship is gonna miss one Officer, but I can’t help but worry. I shouldn’t, but I think it’s inevitable considering how long I was with that ship. M’Benga better be takin’ good care of ‘em or I swear the next time I see him I’ll have him.” And that wasn’t an idle threat and couldn’t be considering it was logged. Bones thought about deleting it, but then changed his mind. He’d said it, why take it back?

Then he heard a plaintive, “Doctor McCoy?” and as he turned his head he felt his mood sour as sure enough there was another skinned knee. Oh for crying out loud, what the fuck did these people do to themselves on a research vessel of all things?

“Take a seat on one of the bio beds,” he bit out through a terse smile before he grumbled into his log about how this was ridiculous and how Starfleet seriously needed to consider their uniform of choice. Not that Uhura or any of the female staff on the Enterprise seemed to have this problem. Go figure.

Bones was starting to think that asking for a transfer had been a really bad idea.


	4. Stardate 2259.88

_Stardate 2259.88 – Twenty Eight Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

By his count it had been a whole month since he’d last set eyes or foot onboard the Enterprise and quite honestly he was starting to feel all the more stagnant for it, especially as the USS-Endeavour was definitely trying to kill him with boredom.

And just as he was sure his day couldn’t get any more predictable his screen lit up with what was indicative of somebody trying to comms him. “Computer, identify incoming comm ID.” And he totally didn’t hope for Jim because Bones knew he had a better chance of talking to his long passed father than he did Jim these days.

“Comm ID is registered to a Lieutenant Adelaide Russell,” the computer chimed.

_Ah, shit._ Bones made an effort to sit up straighter, reached up to smooth his hair back into place and did his best not to look as bored or broken as he felt because she was damn powered and granted there were light years between them, but still, he knew how good she was at her job.

“Accept incoming transmission,” he muttered before he watched as one Adelaide Russell appeared on his screen.

On the screen flickered the red-head with which the doctor was so familiar when she she appeared on screen she beamed at him. "Leo," she said "I'm glad you accepted my comm. I didn't know if you were shutting all of us out or just… well. You know."

"Let's not discuss he who will not be named," Bones said almost immediately, but then regretted the words a second later because who was he kidding? He was dying to ask about him. Instead Bones decided to keep things non-Kirk centric. "So, how's things?"

"Pretty standard, to be honest," Adelaide said, but there was a twinkle in her eye that indicated she knew exactly what Leonard wanted to ask her. He knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t volunteer the information. "We're doing some geological survey or something of an uncharted planet out here. We'll be there in about four days. What about you? How're things on the Endeavour?"

"Good," Bones said all too quickly. "Workin' on some real fascinating projects. Starfleet's keeping me busy." And showering him with praise which was, quite frankly, unsettling. "Currently docked at a Space Station for some sort of conference."

"And you're not involved in the conference?" she asked, the expression on her face clearly stating she didn't believe him but was respecting his decision. "We miss you over here, you know."

"I gotta go down in a few days," Bones said with a shrug. "Till then I'm babysittin' blood samples." He shifted how he was sat and fiddled with a nearby PADD as it kept him from asking _how is he?_ because, hell, it wasn't any of his business. Jim had made that very clear when Bones had left the Enterprise. "How's M'Benga gettin' on?"

"He's doing well, following the inoculation schedule you set up. After we left Orion, about a dozen crew members came back with some… interesting diseases." Her lips twitched, "M'Benga had his hands full with trying to cure those. I don't think his lectures are quite as good as yours though. They haven't been scared into never playing away."

Bones made a humming sound as he spun the PADD around in hand and then he lifted his gaze to look at Adelaide as he hadn't really made proper eye contact since their comms session had started. "Give him some time, he'll get the hang of it."

"You look tired."

"Well I ain't," Bones said with a shake of his head. Bored, very bored. Tired? Maybe. It wasn't like he slept well these days.

"You aren't?" she challenged, "No comment about how stupid the crew are for being careless? You need to look after yourself over there, it-" she brushed her hair behind her ear. "Leo… I miss you, you know, you big lug."

Bones shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not the one you should be worryin' about." He gave her a pointed look. "I'm not the one flying around on the flagship." And then he gave a tight smile. "Yeah, I-" Bones couldn't bring himself to the words so instead he settled on. "You're always welcome to comm me whenever."

"And just who should I be worried about, Leonard H McCoy?"

He hated when she did that, he really did. "Yourself. The crew of the Enterprise. The most exciting thing that happens on this ship is when the food processors malfunction."

"I'm taking care of myself perfectly fine and I'm looking after the crew too. Just because you-" _left_ "- you're no longer a member of this crew, you're still my best friend, Leo. I'm going to worry about you more than I ever did before." She shook her head. "It's been extremely boring by our standards here recently."

Bones leaned back into his chair and discarded the PADD in favour of the stress ball, rolling it over his palms and then curling his calloused fingers around it. "Well rest assured I am well kept." He snorted a little at her final comment. "That won't last long. Never does."

"I don't believe you, you know. I bet no one over there knows how to handle you, huh."

"An' what exactly does that mean?"

"Relax, doc, I'm just saying, I'm sure you've whipped them all into shape even though there's no crisis. I bet they don't know what to do with themselves now."

"Suppose you could say that," Bones muttered because sure enough they were a timid lot who didn't care talk back to the _old_ experienced doctor.

"And you know the offer goes both ways," she said softly, "You can comm me whenever too. You know my office hours, so you can pretty much get me when I'm free. Are you at least making friends over there? I hate the thought of you being alone."

Friends? Bones certainly hadn't been making any attempts. Especially as that had been his problem on the Enterprise, he'd gotten too close. He very deliberately kept himself separate from the crew of the USS-Endeavour, retreating to his quarters after hours and just... reading. He'd been tempted to drown his sorrows in bourbon, but he'd refrained.

"No need," he murmured. "I'm doing just fine, Adelaide."

Adelaide still looked like she didn't believe him. "I don't need to be able to sense your feelings to know that's not true, Leo," she murmured. "I just- Never mind." She turned her head, looking at something that was off screen, that he couldn't see. "Shit. I've got to go. Look- let's speak soon, okay? I love you." It was said so easily, with such grace that there was no way it was anything but true. "You idiot."

Bones nodded his head and managed a small smile. "Yeah, that would be good. Take care, alright?" And he watched as her image vanished and the comms session ended. See this feeling right in the middle of his chest was the reason why he hadn't spoken to any of them for so long. All it did was make him want to go running back.

And that couldn't happen.

Not now, not ever.

The Enterprise was better off without him.


	5. Stardate 2599.103

_Stardate 2599.103 – Forty Three Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

Bones was in the middle of processing his final research paper of the week for the Starfleet and had just sent the data package off when he saw a notification pop up, indicating he had a new message. His brow furrowed when it seemed to be headed ‘for the attention of James T Kirk’s next of kin’ and almost immediately Bones had a horrible moment of thinking the worst had happened and he wasn’t there, to bring Jim back to life. But like you might expect he then started to question why it would be sent to him because last he checked he wasn’t Jim’s next of kin. Of course that question was immediately pushed to the back of his mind as Bones opened up the video which happened to be attached to the message.

At first he didn’t know what he was watching, but it didn’t take long for Bones to cotton on, not when it was obvious. Jim was captured, being tortured and Bones was completely powerless. All he could do was watch in horror as his best friend, the man he was pretty damn certain he was in love with, screamed in absolute agony, a broken sound being ripped from his chest, screaming until his voice broke.

Jesus.

Of course Jim being Jim had to go getting all smart mouthed, which Bones knew was his defence mechanism, but all it did was piss off his would be captors and they rewarded him with further pain. “Dammit, Jim,” Bones grumbled. “Shut up already.” 

And he couldn’t just sit idly by and watch as Jim was beaten and tortured, even if he was light years away he could still do _something_. That of course meant contacting the Admiralty, rousing some from their slumber with the urgency of the situation and insisting that Starfleet take some sort of action. 

If Bones had made any headway with making a good impression on the high ranking Officers of Starfleet he’d all but ruined that with his insistence that aid be sent to the Enterprise and their crew members rescued. Especially when one Admiral groused rather tiredly. “Whilst I appreciate your passion, Doctor McCoy, I feel obliged to inform you that the Enterprise is just fine.”

Wait, what? Bones lifted an eyebrow at that. “No offence, Admiral, but I have a video of Captain Kirk that shows anything but that.”

“Well clearly you’re out of the loop,” the Admiral persisted. “Yes, they were captured by a hostile alien race, but I have had full report from both the Captain and Commander Spock stating that they managed to escape and have returned to Enterprise safely.”

“Oh.” 

Well didn’t Bones feel like an absolute idiot, for having gotten so worked up and for having gotten so many Admirals out of bed, all because he’d panicked. The same way he had back on the Enterprise when bad things happened to Jim. See, this? This is why he’d left. “My apologies, Admiral. I wasn’t aware of that.”

“No bother,” the Admiral said with a shake of his head. “But if you’ll excuse me, Doctor McCoy, I have a bed I would very much like to return to.”  
An earnest nod was returned from Bones. “Of course.” 

“Goodnight,” the Admiral muttered as he ended the comm session, leaving Bones to slump forward at which point his hands curled around the edges of his desk. He was in equal parts relieved and annoyed all at the same time. Jim was alive, he was okay, but that video… well, it had made it look anything but. Jesus, he’d really thought- Fuck, Bones scrubbed a hand over his face before he took to folding his arms across his chest.

So as it turned out the Enterprise had run headfirst into trouble and had pulled its ass out of the fire without the infamous Doctor McCoy. He’d clearly overestimated his importance in the grand scheme of things. They didn’t need him, probably never had, but he supposed that was good. It meant he could stop worrying and just get on with actually trying to embrace the USS-Endeavour.

Bones returned to the video which had paused on a pain filled expression of the man he’d once held as closest and dearest before Bone reached forward, deleting the video, figuring he didn’t need to watch the rest of it. Not when Jim was back on the Enterprise and being cared for by M’Benga with no need for Bones. 

_See, Jim, didn’t need me after all._

That night was the first one that Bones allowed himself a drink because after seeing that he needed something to ease him into sleep, hopefully one that wouldn’t be filled by the same nightmares that had haunted him ever since Jim had climbed into that warp core.

Not that he was going to hold his breath.


	6. Stardate 2599.115

_Stardate 2599.115 – Fifty Five Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

It was childish, that much Bones knew, the way he hadn’t bothered contacting the Enterprise to check on the status of the ship and its crew. But he’d heard it from the Admiral himself that its crew and ship were doing just fine.

And yet here he was speaking to the Chief Engineer.

“How are things over there, Chief?”

"McCoy!" Scotty looked delighted to see him, then he cleared his throat. "Aye, things are good. Cannae complain. Ship's runnin' fine." It was clear he didn't know that the doctor knew about what had happened on that planet. "How's the Endeavour? Treatin' you right, I hope?"

“You could say that,” Bones returned. “So, everything’s fine? Even after that incident on the planet?”

Scotty then looked guilty, the tips of his ears flushing a little. "Fine's a rather generic term, lad, you know tha'. Shook everyone up good, it did. Dinnae ken how they got outta there, but the Cap- the Commander did a good job in gettin' them out so I could beam 'em up. Didnae think they'd all make it, but they did. 'm glad, Kowalski's one o' my best."

Spock, of course it would be the damned Vulcan. He already knew Jim hadn’t been in any position to do much of anything judging by the level of torture. Bones nodded his head. “Well they’re back on the ship, safe and sound. That’s all that really matters. Everythin’ else can be dealt with later.”

"Aye but the new CMO's not as much of a stickler for people stayin' still as you were." Scotty was a terrible gossip, it was a surprisingly little known fact. "He's good at his job an' all, dinnae get me wrong, but the man folds faster than a pack of cards when the Captain gets goin'."

Bones narrowed his eyes. “Is that right?” Hm, well he was going to have to talk to M’Benga about that because he hadn’t left the care of Jim and the Enterprise in his hands only for him to screw it up. “I think I’m gonna have to talk to him about that.”

"He's just followin' the rules, and he's a good lad. I mean, he's no you, but there's nae gonnae be anyone who is."

Bones chose to ignore that particular comment because if he focused too much on it then he was going to get himself into trouble. “Still,” he muttered with a shake of his head. “I thought I’d left the care of the Enterprise in the hands of somebody capable not a man with no spine.” Bones always said what he thought with the exception of when he had been challenged by Jim as to why he was leaving.

Scotty snorted. "Good lord I've missed you," he announced. "It's nae the same wi'out you here."

Bones in spite of himself huffed out a laugh. “Nobody around to tell folk when they’re being idiots, huh?”

"Exactly. M'Benga tries, bless, but the laddie just doesnae have the same tone as you. An' he isn't sarcastic enough. Never thought I'd miss that, but there y' have it.

“It’s funny the things you miss when you don’t have them any longer,” Bones remarked with a shrug. “Lord knows I could go for a card game right about now.”

"Tell me about it. Next time we're in the same quadrant we'll havetae get together an' play a couple of rounds. The lads here are gettin' cocky without you kickin' their ass every other week at poker."

“Agreed,” Bones muttered with a nod of his head. “Can’t have them gettin’ cocky now can we?”

Scotty laughed. "Nah, tha's a bad idea. You sure you're okay, doc?"

Not really. But Bones wasn’t about to voice that so instead he gave a nod of his head. “Yeah, I’m sure, Chief. I just wanted to check in, see how things were goin’.”

"You got any more questions?" Scotty asked, "About anyone else in particular?"

It really was on the tip of his tongue and the conflict was all too clear behind those hazel eyes that regarded the Scottish man in front of him. Adelaide wouldn't tell him anything because she was of the mind that if he wanted to know then he should talk to Jim directly.

But Scotty, well, he might give Bones an answer.

"How is he?"

"In what way, Doc? Physically, emotionally…?"

"Generally speaking," Bones muttered. "Just-" He pushed out a breath of a very tight chest. "Just tell me, Scotty."

"He's tired, but then guess he's gonnae be. He was on tha' planet for somethin' like five days. No access to those wee pills so they had to overdose him when they got him free. Walked outta th' sickbay soon as he was able, stubborn bastard, an' went straight back tae work." Scotty shrugged a shoulder. "He ain't right."

Bones leaned forward and steepled his fingers together before merely resting his chin atop of them as he listened to Scotty speak. “Of course he did.” A shake of his head was soon given. “I’ll comm M’Benga, give him a pep talk.” Maybe even send a pre-recorded message to Jim even if it would probably be deleted, but at least he will have tried.

"He's doin' his best, Leonard, but he's never gonnae be you." Scott said sadly.

“Well he’s gonna have to get better at being my replacement,” Bones grumbled. “I handed over the care to him with the understanding that he was going to do it right an’ proper. If he can’t do that then I dunno what happens then.”

"He's doin' it all by the books, doc, like he should. Just- we're not exactly the most by th' book ship." It was said with a wink. "An' he's lookin' after my idiots well enough."

"Ain't that the truth?" Bones muttered as he leaned back into his chair. "But I'm glad to hear that 'cause somebody has to."  
"'s not the same without you though doc," Scotty reiterated. "I understand why ye had tae leave, but… yer absence is noted."

Bones glanced upwards and met the Chief Engineer’s gaze. “That’s what I’ve been told.” By Adelaide, Castro, a few other crew members and of course Aiden and Sarah. “It’s not like I don’t miss the Enterprise, Chief. I just-“ He was thankfully distracted by a beeping which indicated that the samples he’d been waiting on were ready. “Well looks like I gotta go, Chief. But it was good talking to you.”

"You too, lad," Scotty said. "Don't be a stranger, a'right? Talk to yae soon."

And with that Bones ended the comms before slumping back into his seat, trying to work out what to do next. He was definitely going to talk to M’Benga and maybe just maybe put that video package together even if he thought Jim would delete it long before he pressed play.

But it was definitely worth a shot.


	7. Stardate 2599.116

_Stardate 2599.116 – Fifty Six Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

“You gotta be tougher,” Bones shared to the visage of M’Benga. “Jim ain’t gonna listen to you unless you make him. He’s a stubborn son of a bitch and you need to be just as if not more stubborn than him. It’s the only way you’re gonna get anywhere with him.”

Truthfully Bones hadn’t given the other CMO any chance to speak because this exchange wasn’t about M’Benga giving him excuses, but about Bones telling him straight and how to get things done.

“Screw the regulations,” Bone said with a shake of his head. “Sometimes you gotta throw those out of the nearest airlock because they aren’t always best fit. The crew you have they aren’t your standard run of the mill Starfleet graduates and I think you ought to remember that.”

Bones tilted his head. “An’ I want improvement or God help me I will march back on the Enterprise and relieve you myself if that’s what it takes. Trust me that is the last thing you want.” He allowed himself to soften for a fraction of a second. “You’re a damn fine Doctor, M’Benga, but you need to find that spine that keeps that back in place an’ apply it or you’re gonna lose people.”

“Do I make myself clear?”

M’Benga just gave a nod of his head, taking the senior CMO’s words to heart. 

“Alright then,” Bones said with a nod of his head. “So now that’s out of the way fill me in and I’ll tell you how best to start.”


	8. Stardate 2599.165

_Stardate 2599.165 – One Hundred and Five Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

Hell, Bones hated holovids he really did, especially as they were too… shiny and he felt awkward as hell standing in front of the floating camera which persisted in tracking his every angle and catching every flicker of emotion he might express. This was a stupid idea, a really stupid idea. And it probably wouldn’t even get watched and yet here he was making it anyways with the intent of sending it to Jim provided he didn’t lose his nerve.

“Computer, begin recording.”

_Chirrup_

“So, I’m probably the last person you probably want or ever expected to see again, but after the video package I got from that planet where you and the others had been captured I figure it was better late than never.” Bones wet his lower lip and took to pacing, arms folding across his chest. “I’ve spoken to M’Benga and as it turns out he ain’t been managing things well in my absence so I’ve given him a pep talk, about how he needs to be tougher. Not just on the crew, but on you as well.” Bones turned his head and looked directly into the camera. “’Cause even if I left I still know you, Jim. I know you ain’t lettin’ him do his job ‘cause you’re stubborn and you hate Doctors. Thing you gotta remember is that you gave him my job and in doing so you gotta give him the same respect you used to give me.”

He pushed a breath out and felt exhausted beyond all measure, his bones ached, his head hurt and everything just felt- Bones nursed a headache by rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “I may not be around anymore but that doesn’t give you the excuse to go acting crazy and out of control. I know you figure that the suicide play is all well an’ good as long as you’re the one pulling it, but you gotta remember something, Jim. You _matter_ , to your crew and to-“ _Me_ but Bones well, his tongue seemed to swell in size and he struggled, the struggle clear and all too present. “Well you just matter an’ it’s about time you started acting like that.”

The tall Southerner took to pacing and gesticulating with his hands. “I know we didn’t part on the best terms an’ you don’t understand why I left, but I did the right thing. For you, me, the crew. I was-“ The doctor pulled himself in and censored the words that escaped him because baring his soul was uncomfortable enough as it was without letting things slip out that shouldn’t slip out. “Let’s just say I had a good reason for leaving, but you won’t believe me so I don’t know if it’s worth saying. Especially as I left ‘cause I didn’t trust myself not to tell you an’ trust me that would have been bad for everybody involved.”

“Hell, Jim, let M’Benga help you. If not for you then do it for the crew. How are they meant to go on if their Captain’s falling apart at the seams?” His hazel eyes were for the first time unguarded in this entire holovid and Jim if he looked close enough would see the anguish the older man felt at this current predicament. He also looked tired, strained and just not Bones like at all, especially as he’d lost weight and had let his work get the better of him.

A hand lifted to rub at the back of his neck. “Look, I know I have no right considering I walked away from the Enterprise.” The _and you_ was inferred. “But I still give a shit and that’s why I’m doin’ this, vidding you even though I’m pretty certain you’re gonna, in a fit of rage, delete it when you see this pop up in your mail.” His shoulders lifted. “But you know me I’m a stubborn bastard an’ I guess that’s what makes me good at my job. I don’t give in, but… with you and the Enterprise, I couldn’t be there anymore. Not without-“ He swallowed hard and it was obvious he wasn’t saying something important by how his jaw ticked. 

“Just-“ Bones turned his gaze to the camera. “Look after yourself, kid.”

And then he ended the recording, hesitating before sure enough he instructed the computer to send the message to Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the USS-Enterprise.

He should have said more, but he hadn’t been able to, not without giving everything away.


	9. Stardate 2599.235

_Stardate 2599.235 –One Hundred and Seventy Five Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

When they docked at the Space Station Elysium Bones had approached Captain Holloway about a transfer to the medical facililty aboard the station as he was at this juncture convinced that he had done all that he could on the Endeavour and he just wanted off. Bones hated the black as it was and the only reason he’d gone off into Space was because he’d followed Jim, but now, without him? Bones wanted to set foot on solid ground and keep them on that same ground, especially if it meant he got a change from his current routine. The simple reason being that his current routine was driving him insane.

Thankfully Holloway had been pretty reasonable about the request, remarking on how he’d be sad to see Bones go, but he understood and he’d speak to the station to see what could be arranged. 

Ironically it had taken him a lifetime to pack up his things and leave the Enterprise, but with the Endeavour, Bones was packed up within the first hour after having told Holloway what he wanted and now all he had to do was wait.

He should get the news soon. 

Hopefully.


	10. Stardate 2599.255

_Stardate 2599.255 – One Hundred And Ninety Five Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

Getting off the Endeavour was by far the best decision Bones had made because working in a medical facility on a busy space station meant that every day he had something new happening, it wasn’t the same rinse and repeat days and he no longer wanted to shoot himself in the face with a phaser that wasn’t set to stun.

It was busy, frantic and he’d seen more aliens than he had his entire time at the Academy and whilst serving as the CMO aboard the Enterprise, which sat just fine with Bones. He’d always thought he could do with more exposure to different species, especially if he wanted to expand his knowledge. The more he knew the better he could be as a doctor. It also helped with learning new languages and he was pretty sure he might be able to give the highly capable Uhura a run for her money given how many new aliens he was getting to meet and treat. Well, probably not, but it was fun to think about how many new languages he was being exposed to.

In their last comm session she had remarked on how good his Ferengi was getting and how he needed to work on forming his vowels when using the Payav language, to ensure he didn’t inevitably insult somebody. Boy that language sure was a jaw working exercise that was for damn certain, but it would be worth it as he had a couple patients to see who just so happened to speak that language. 

It wasn’t the Enterprise, but it definitely beat sitting around on the Endeavour and sending messages to Starfleet High Command with a serious recommendation they gave some thought to equipping their female officers with pants instead of those dresses they seemed to insist on. Honestly, what century were they living in anyways? And for the most part Bones could pretend like he wasn’t missing another limb without Jim at his side, just as long as he kept busy and didn’t stop to think. 

It was in those dark lonely times that he made unfortunate holovids that he thankfully had enough sense not to send. They were the kind of vids that had him laying all his cards out on the table, telling Jim exactly how he felt and how being around him was like orbiting a sun. He burned too hot and too bright, it was all consuming and unless you paid careful attention you ran the risk of being swallowed by it. Bones had been burned before, by his ex-wife, who had taken the whole goddamn planet away from him, but he suspected that if things went south with Jim then there was no part of this universe or the next were he would be able to escape that boy.

Maybe that was one of the many reasons he’d turned tail and run scared, not wanting to take a step off the ledge he’d dragged himself up on after his divorce. Not that Jim could or would ever be as vindictive as that _woman_ , but Bones was, truth be told, a coward, scared for reaching for something or rather _somebody_ he wanted for fear of the end. He never could just live in the present, he had to be three steps ahead, envisioning the world until he’d thoroughly convinced himself that it was better to not be bold and to definitely not go where he’d been before.

Besides he was an old recovering alcoholic so what good would he be to a kid like Jim? None that’s what. Better to be as far away as possible because he’d screw it up, like he had his marriage. Even if it meant he spent more time in the sickbay than he did anywhere else. It wasn’t like he was lacking in work, especially as during his time as the CMO of the Elysium he had helped many a person give birth, to babes of two and sometimes even four legs. Nothing quite beat bringing new life into the world, especially to see the joy on the new parents faces as they beamed down at the life they’d made together.

But of course when he spoke to his grandmother about those moment she’d pin him in place, ask him where she could expect some grandkiddies of her own and at that point he would have to make some excuse as to why he needed to cut their comm session short. He also had a horrible feeling that she knew how he felt about Jim and had not been so secretly fangirling and supporting the not-relationship from her corner of Georgia, but just because she thought it was a swell idea didn’t necessarily mean that it was going to work. Or even that it was that great of an idea. 

And on the same note, Bones decided right there and then that he could do with a drink.


	11. Stardate 2259.360

_Stardate 2259.360 - Three Hundred Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

It wasn't like Bones had been counting or anything, but he knew without even looking at the calendar that it had been precisely three hundred days since he'd left the Enterprise, walked away from Jim and Bones was poised at a terminal, his fingers already having keyed in Jim's information and he was stood anxiously, not sure what he wanted more. For no answer, for an infinite dial tone or for Jim to answer, for his face to appear.

He'd crumble if that happened, he knew he would.

All it would take was one look into Jim's baby blues and Bones would fold quicker than a house of cards under a stiff breeze. But the longer he stood there the longer it became clear that Jim wasn't answering and Bones pushed out a breath, snorting a little at his sheer stupidity. What else had he expected?

"Computer, end transmission. The kid ain't there."

_Chirrup_

And Bones stepped away, collecting a bottle of Bourbon as he did.


	12. Stardate 2259.365

_Stardate 2259.365 - Three Hundred and Five Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

"Dammit," Bones cursed as his eyes shot to the ever declining vital signs of his latest patient who just so happened to be a five year old girl. Her parents had brought her in complaining of a headache and it hadn't taken Bone long to diagnose a subdural haematoma and had snapped at the idiot parents who hadn't brought her in when she'd first started showing considerable signs of confusion. Maybe just maybe he would have had a better chance of treating the clot before it got too big.

As it was the clot was massive and Bones had felt his stomach bottom out when he saw the display on his scanner. By then of course the young girl was already seizing and he'd had to rush her into emergency surgery.

Bones knew for a fact he needed to relieve the pressure on the brain or this girl had no chance of recovery so he barked for an arterial repair device, which was by his own admission a far more humane method than the older techniques which often required boring a hole into the patient's skull to drain the blood.

"Doctor, she's-"

Bones looked up mid procedure and then his eyes widened as he knew a cardiac arrest when he saw one and he very quickly snatched up the nearly defibrillator pads, delivering one short sharp blast before reverting to a hands on approach. One hand went to middle of her chest and with elbows straight he used his upper body strength to push down hard and fast at a rate of a hundred compressions a minute, mentally counting and willing the child to breathe _dammit_. He did of course at the thirty mark instruct his nurse to tilt the young girl's head back and if no breath was found to give two rescue breaths as well as pinching the girl's nostrils, to ensure her lungs fully inflated.

This routine continued for about two to three minutes before sure enough she took a breath and Bones let out one of his own, instructing his nurse to monitor her vitals as he returned his attention to what really needed to be done and that was getting that clot out of this poor girl's head. The surgery itself lasted hours, but by the time Bones was finished there was no trace of that Godawful haematoma and sure she'd be lacking in hair for a little while, but she'd be alive and really that was all that mattered.

Dragging himself out of the operating room Bones stripped out of both gown and gloves, looking up to meet the worried gaze of her parents. "She's gonna be just fine," he admitted. "A lot of rest, but she'll be bouncin' around this Station soon enough."

"Thank you," the mother gushed. "I'm just- We're just so very grateful."

Bones shook his head. "Just doin' my job, ma'am."

And then she did the exact thing Bones hadn't wanted her to, she hugged him and he just stood there stiff as a board before very awkwardly patting her back. "It's alright, your lil girl's gonna be fine." Then she started crying on him and Bones looked at her husband rather pleadingly. Thankfully the other man took pity on the doctor that had saved his daughter's life and he pried off her, murmuring soft reassuring words before pulling her in the direction of where their daughter was resting on a nearby bio-bed.

Bones watched on and despite himself he gave a small wry smile because things could have ended very differently had he not been there so maybe just maybe he hadn’t made the worst decision of his life by leaving the Enterprise?

Yeah, that’s what he was going to keep telling himself until he believed it.


	13. Stardate 2260.04

_Stardate 2260.04 – Three Hundred and Nine Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

So today was Jim’s birthday, the big twenty seven, and Bones, well he felt awful for not being there to help him celebrate or rather, to help him ignore the haunting memory of his father’s sacrifice. But he’d made the decision to leave, not Jim. It wasn’t like he had any right, but still he felt a sense of obligation. Wait, no, obligation wasn’t the right word. He felt… disloyal by sitting on the Space Station Elysium whilst Jim was undoubtedly dodging comms and probably drinking himself into oblivion.

The past birthdays had been spent as far away from civilisation as they could get, camped out under the stars, somewhere so rural that not even the great minds of Starfleet or the Federation press could find them.

Hell, one birthday Bones had lost his shit with a press reporter and had promptly broken his nose, just for being a twisted individual with no soul who thought nothing of haranguing some poor guy on his birthday about a memory better long forgotten in the passages of time. The reporter had the good sense not to file an official complaint and had left them be, much to Bones’ relief.

Well this wasn't doing him any good now was it? He'd escaped the Enterprise with the intent of forgetting Jim and putting all those pesky annoying feelings which really had no place in a man his age to the back of beyond and yet every day he'd find himself drifting in and out of thoughts about Jim. 

Honestly, Leonard, he told himself, you really are too old for this shit.

But against all sense and wise judgement he spoke, "Computer, start transmission," and when the computer made that awful chirpy sound it did Bones wet his lower lip, turning his head to regard the camera as it once again tracked his every movement. Jesus, was he really doing his? Apparently so.

"Happy birthday, Jim. I hope it's a good-" And then he cut himself off, biting out a sound of frustration before giving a roll of his eyes. "Hell who am I tryin' to kid? I did what I did 'cause at the time I was utterly convinced it was the right thing to do, but now? Well, now, I ain't so sure." Bones shook his head and folded his arms, reaching up to scrub his fingers through his hair. "I miss you, kid, an' you sure as shit best be lookin' out for yourself or come Hell or high water I will march my sorry ass back onto that ship and kick yours three ways from Sunday."

And the he paused as if fighting himself in the way his jaw ticked and a myriad of thoughts passed through his head, all of which were vying for first thought first said. Not that he was letting that happen because then he would say something he couldn't take back and would later regret. Not that this _thing_ had ever been on the cards, he'd never intended on falling for the bruised young man with the brightest blue eyes he'd seen and yet he had. 

To his own dismay he might add.

Bones leaned forward to help himself to a glass of Bourbon before he held it up to the camera. "Here's to you, Jim. I fucking hate you for making me care so goddamn much about you." And with that he tossed the drink back and fired off a salute. "But you seem to have that effect on people so remember that the next time you think about running into a warp core." And his voice may have broken ever so slightly before Bones turned away from the camera, trying to pull himself back together before he finally levelled the camera with a dark rather intense gaze.

"No more dying on m- us, Jim."

And just like that the holovid ended.


	14. Stardate 2260.14

_2260.14 - 2260.17 Three Hundred Nineteen - Three Hundred And Twenty Two Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

The first sign there was trouble was the lack of response to hails from the large trade vessel on rapid approach with the Space Station Elysium. The second was the fact that as it got closer the speed seem to increase as if its intent was not to dock but rather than to ram full force into the hangar bay that for the most part housed ships and personnel. The last and final sign was the crackled almost garbled message "for the freedom of all".

And the Elysium was not by any means prepared, it didn't have sufficient weapons to blow the ship out of the air and despite their best attempts the ship still barrelled into the station, ripping through bulkheads and puncturing the precious artificial barriers between life and the deathly expanse of space which could boil your blood in less than a minute. 

The hangar bay exploded into an array of destruction, screams echoing off what walls were left and sheer destruction raining down as one explosion after another caused a ripple effect, bodies being yanked towards the sudden large hole now present in the side of the once proud Space Station. There was frantic yelling, a thundering of feet, a pulling of people from one section to another, but it was unmistakable the way bodies laid trapped, crushed and how the once clean floors were now covered in blood. 

There was no choice but to seal off the damaged area, effectively cutting off a diseased limb before it had a chance to infect the rest of the body, even as people clamoured at the doors as they closed and sealed. Their screams could be heard through the thick security doors as they all but beat their hands raw until the oxygen was all but sucked from their lungs and in their last moments all they would see and feel was the cold embrace of space as it pulled on the damaged section, 

There was panic in some young eyes, fear in the older ones, but the most overwhelming emotion of all was the complete and absolute disbelief this was happening. But it was, in the most visceral and horrific of ways, ending lives and leaving chaos in its wake. And quite honestly their medical staff were not prepared for such an ordeal with the exception of one, the only trauma surgeon on the Elysium, the same man who from the moment he'd heard the news had started barking orders, getting triage centres setup where he could so the crucial decisions could be made.

Some of those decisions were harder than others, but it was necessary, especially as not everybody could - or would - survive this. The hardest calls were the one where you made the decision not to save one person as they were too far gone and because somebody else stood a better chance of survival, but Bones had long ago learned how to make those calls, even if they slowly but surely killed parts of his soul as he did so.

He especially hated when there were children involved and he'd seen more dead than he ever cared to see again, especially as their lives had been cut so short by some idiot extremists with some ridiculous idea of what freedom really meant. Not that he stopped trying just because the odds were stacked against him and it felt as though death was standing over his shoulder, breathing down his neck. 

"The Grim Reaper can kiss my Southern ass," he'd grumbled at one point, which had caught the attention of the nurse in surgery with him, but she soon disregarded the doctor's mumblings considering by this point they'd been all up twenty four hours. The doctor himself had already performed more operations in the short expanse of time than he had during his entire time on the Elysium and as soon as he stabilised one another came in in urgent need of surgery. His sickbay became a conveyor belt for the damaged souls aboard the Space Station.

Some he couldn't save despite his best efforts and it broke him bit by bit, but he couldn't fall apart, not when there were still people who needed saving. The hours bled into one another until Bones was sure he couldn't see straight, but his hands remained steady and strong, opening up wounds, removing shrapnel and piecing his patients back inch by inch with sheer fucking determination. He'd already lost too many, he wasn't going to lose anybody else if he could help. But, Jesus, the numbers were insane.

There was barely any respite but when there was Bones was insisting his nurses get some sleep before injecting himself with stims so he could move triage site to triage site, making the calls and signalling those who could be prepped for surgery and those that needed some relief to make their journey to the other side more peaceful. Same way he had for his father all those years ago, but this time nobody looked at him like a monster, but a man with the tough decisions to make and the mercy to do what was in his patients best interests.

His hands felt covered in blood, but Bones persisted, drawing on the medical supplies the Elysium had to offer, but he knew they wouldn't last. He was sure somebody would have put in a distress call to the Federation and aid would be headed their way, but until then he would do what he could with what was available.

Of course he was briefly caught off-guard as he allowed himself a moment but then he heard the panicked scream of a mother and almost immediately he snapped back into doctor mode and hurried over, to try and stabilise the young girl who was in full cardiac arrest. Hell, this was going to be a long couple of days. Especially as there was just so much need for medical attention and Bones was only one man who granted was spreading himself around as much as he could, but still, he knew he wasn't as effective over this many patients. He was his own worst critic after all and in his mind he wasn't doing enough and there was still work to do, even if it killed him.

Seventy two hours on and Bones was still in sickbay, operating and attending to his patients, hands remarkably steady for the lack of sleep and amount of stims running through his veins. He'd lost count of the people he had seen come through his sickbay doors, but he knew he'd remember their faces until his dying day, especially the faces of those he couldn't save.

It was as he slumped forward onto his desk that his hands sought the edges of the desk, fingers curling to the point of knuckles whitening and Bones coached himself to breathe, push things to the back of his mind and steel his way through this nightmare. It wasn't going to do him or anyone else any good if he fell apart, especially when there were people relying on him.

So many people.

God help him.


	15. Stardate 2260.17

_Stardate 2260.17 - Three Hundred and Twenty Two Days after leaving the Enterprise_

Bone's rest was ignored by the sound of soft footsteps breaching the safety of his office and the sanctuary he'd made for himself. 

"Leo," the voice was soft and familiar, maybe even comforting considering how long it had been since it had been heard in real life. A warm hand rested on the back of Bones' neck, touch gentle and firm, solid amidst the chaos that surrounded them, offering an anchor. 

Bones took a moment to realise he was no longer alone and that somebody had breached the walls he had put up around himself and knew that nobody on the Eysium would dare. It must be somebody old, somebody who knew him well and was confident he wouldn't turn on them like a stray dog. 

"Adelaide?" He said, obviously confused as he turned his head to rest his hazel gaze on an old friend. "Am I hallucinating?"

"Maybe," Adelaide said, moving closer as he turned around and she crouched down beside his chair, pulling him towards her so their foreheads touched. She looked like she could feel his exhaustion pulling at her and her touch gently squeezed the back of his neck.

She kissed his forehead and stood up again, holding her hand out for him to take as she withdrew from his space, waiting for him to come to her. He would. She knew that. "I'm sorry we weren't here sooner, we came as fast as we could."

Ah, of course, the Enterprise would have been called. It was the flagship of the Federation after all. 

That meant that _he_ was here and Bones hated the way he desperately wanted to find him, fold himself into him and pretend the rest of the world didn't exist. His feelings, the depth of them and the true extent, were frightening. Especially to an old man like him who had known love before and had watched it wither and die. 

"S'okay," he remarked with a shake of his head. "It's not like any of us could've predicted this." It was strange, having a familiar face and comfort, the very thing he had denied himself all these months and God he was starting to wonder why. Maybe because he'd been afraid of what it meant, of caring, of letting people in, getting hurt or hurting in return. 

 

And in his haze he saw her outstretched hand and he thought about ignoring it, but knew better than to test Adelaide when she had that look on her face. After a moment he enclosed her hand with his own, the callouses so much more defined than they had been in the past.

"We were in the area," she answered, closing her fingers around his when he finally took her hand and she pulled him to his feet and straight into her arms, lifting herself to her toes so she could wrap her arms around the doctor's shoulders, one hand pressed against the back of his head with her fingers buried in his hair. 

Her face was against his neck, holding him because she knew him well enough to know he'd never admit that he needed some kind of physical reassurance. She knew that Jim Kirk had infected the doctor - hell, he'd infected all of them - with a particular craving for physical contact. 

"When did you last get some sleep?" she asked.

The doctor was stiff for a moment as he'd been so long without that he had fallen back into old habits of looking a bit like a deer in headlights, he'd rival the Vulcan that was for certain. But then he felt her fingers on the back of his head and he instinctively lifted his arms, curling them around her slender form. 

And he totally didn't close his eyes and just breathe for the first time in what felt like years. 

"I dunno," he admitted with a shake of his head. "How long has it been since this nightmare started?"

Adelaide kissed his cheek as she drew back. "Come on, M'Benga's here and already running another surgery. You need to rest. It's been seventy two hours or thereabouts since you started operating. You'll start making mistakes soon, come on. I'll take you back to your quarters." 

"M'Benga?" Bones asked, frowning something rotten as he'd seriously started to question that man's skills and resolve as a Doctor given what he'd heard about his exploits on the Enterprise. "His spine gonna hold up fine?" And he knew that rationally he was being unfair, but he didn't have it in him to care right now. 

Her fingers brushed through his hair and over the line of his jaw. "You've lost weight," she told him sadly.

The remark about the weight caused a lift of his shoulders. "I hadn't noticed."

Adelaide looked like she was resisting the urge to roll her eyes. "I'm going to blame your exhaustion for that unnecessarily bitchy comment, Doctor," she said curtly, though she squeezed his hand as her own slid down to catch his again. "M'Benga's gonna do a fine job. It's only the Captain he had a problem with." She tutted.

"And you have. You really have." She wet her lower lip, tugging gently on him. "Come on. You need to direct me to your quarters. The Captain isn't in sickbay just yet, so we can still get you out of here before you see him."

Bones grumbled before rolling his eyes as he rubbed at the side of his neck which was blossoming into a fine looking bruise given how many hyposprays he'd jabbed into it only the last few days. It was even starting to ache. 

"If you insist." But she was probably right, best to scuttle out of the sickbay before Kirk came striding in like he owned the place. Bones didn't trust himself to be able to not make with the grabby hands, especially as he felt strung out. 

"I'm on F deck," he muttered. "Number 505."

"Okay," Adelaide said softly, letting go of one of his hands so that she could pull him out of his office, her lithe fingers catching on a hypospray with what she recognised as a sedative that was sitting on one of the benches as they passed it. She'd seen the bruise, and the tense line of her jaw indicated that they would be talking about this at some point but not right now. 

She lifted her voice. "I'm taking Dr McCoy to his quarters and he's going to sleep. All of you who've been here since it began, the crew of the Enterprise is perfectly capable of handling this situation whilst you all get at least ten hours sleep." She hesitated, not wanting to make it an order, but she would do if she had to. She knew she was of a higher rank than all of the nursing staff, same rank as Dr McCoy (not that she needed to boss him around).

But Bones being Bones couldn't just leave without having first filled in one of the nurses from the Enterprise on some of the patients, those with special conditions and others with allergies along with giving her list of treatments which had taken place. To his credit he had somehow managed to keep it all catalogued despite the frantic chaos of the last few days. 

"Take good care of 'em," he muttered before he trailed in Adelaide's wake.

The door whooshed behind them and Bones found himself with a red-headed Betazoid under his arm as they moved through the decks to support him and make sure he couldn't change his mind.  
When they hit his quarters, she eased him down on the bed, crouched in front of him and removed his boots. "You did everything you could, you know.”

And a wise thing to because halfway to his room Bones recalled some-thing about a patient and he gave serious thought to turning around and heading right back, but then Adelaide was there and she definitely wasn’t taking no for an answer. 

He hadn’t realised just how bone tired he was until he was eased into his bed and sure enough an ache shot right through him when he was required to do any-thing other than be on his feet.

“Try tellin’ that to the folks who lost their children.”

Adelaide's hands brushed through his hair as she eased herself up onto the bed, using the gentle touch to push Leo backwards onto the bed until he was lying down. "That's not your fault, Leo. They'll understand that but people say things in grief and desperation that they don't mean." 

And it would seem that life had its fair share of surprises left because as Adelaide said those words Bones was taken to a time when somebody he loved a great deal had done the exact same thing and they still hadn’t seen one another since. 

“Don’t make it any less valid,” he muttered with a shake of his head. 

"It's not valid at all, Leo," Adelaide said firmly, a slight frown on her face as she carded her fingers through his hair. "You're not a miracle worker, you're a doctor. You save those that you can and you try bloody hard to save even the ones that you can't. You didn't give up, I know you, you woulda kept trying until there was literally nothing else to do." 

Bones merely lifted his eyebrows and refrained from commenting because the last few days had done a number on him and he didn’t think he had the energy to fight his corner, especially against a fresh faced Adelaide from the USS-Enterprise. 

“Whatever you say, Doc.”

Adelaide just sighed and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the space between those ever-frowning eyebrows, all the affection of former lovers and the love of close friends. "I do say, Leo. You tell me the same thing." She leaned back a little. "Are you going to be able to sleep?" she asked, dark eyes surveying him seriously. 

Now Bones took a moment to give himself a critical review from a purely medical point of view and he was pretty sure with the adrenaline of the recent days not to mention the amount of stims he’d pumped into himself, just to get the patients turned around as they poured in through the doors.

“Negative,” he replied. “What with the adrenaline and the stims in my bloodstream, I’m pretty sure I could be awake for a few more hours.”

Adelaide rolled her eyes, "Well," she said, lifting her other hand from where she'd stashed the hypo in her boot, the gleaming silver catching the half-light of the room. "It's a good thing I picked this up, huh." 

Bones eyed the hypospray and lifted a hand before pointing at it. “I bet you didn’t even file inventory for that, did ya?” Not that he cared, especially as in all the madness of the last few days he hadn’t even done that himself. “Not that it matters, especially now.” 

Adelaide smiled affectionately, "No, but I'll go back and do it once you're asleep," she promised, gently tilting his head to the side, exposing his neck, trying to find a spot that wasn't bruised. She ended up gently pressing it against his arm, hearing it hiss as it administered the sedative. "This'll knock you out for at least ten hours. I'll see you when you wake up, Leo." 

Bones pulled a slight face when Adelaide injected him with a hypospray because he was the doctor and used to being the one administering the hyposprays rather than receiving them. At least she had a gentle touch, not like him, but that was his thing.

"See you in ten hours," he mumbled before the sedative took hold and he slipped under, barely able to feel the soft brush of lips against his forehead and fingers through his hair.


	16. Stardate 2260.19

_Stardate 2260.19 - Three Hundred and Twenty Four Days After Leaving the Enterprise_

Despite having spent the better part of ten hours sleeping Bones still felt dog tired, like all his years had piled themselves on his shoulders and every step he took hurt in the deepest of ways, aches present in every single limb, but he'd picked himself up all over again. There was work to be done, patients to see and people to heal. Sure M'Benga was on shift, but Bones was nothing if not a control freak and the other Doctor was probably messing with his system.

And M'Benga had never been that great at organising amongst other things.

Upon entering the sickbay he recognised the sounds of complaints from a nearby bio-bed and he recognised those dulcet tones as one James Tiberius Kirk. It was quite of sickening how rapidly and how quickly that man's voice could cut through all walls and defences he'd built around himself in the last God only knew how many months it had been since he'd last clapped eyes on the blond-haired, blue-eyed annoyance of a Captain.

His eyes narrowed as he watched M'Benga being distracted and shook his head. "Dammit, man, never take your eyes off him." And that settled it for him, he was going to have to patch Jim up himself or nobody was, but that wasn't going to happen. Not when Jim was in his domain and waltzing all over his territory.

Heads turned as the Doctor headed in the direction of the privacy screen which hid the Captain from the rest of sickbay and as it whooshed open his stomach twisted uncomfortably as he saw a few bruises on Jim's back and in particular around his ribs, which suggested he might have frauted a few or even clean broken them.

“Bones,” Jim greeted nonchalantly, smoothing down his shirt. “M’Benga gave me the all clear, so I’ll just be getting out of your hair.”

He waited until Jim turned and as he levelled those baby blues and blasted that smile at him Bones shook his head. "Don't bullshit me, Jim. I know for damn certain that you didn't even get a proper check up so get your ass back up onto that bed 'fore I put you there myself." Bones was still exhausted and the trauma of the last few days haunted his steps, clung to the shadows under both eyes and sat heavy on his shoulders.

“Promises promises,” Jim retorted in what could only be described as lecherous, which Bones knew was the other man's way of throwing him off, but it wouldn't work. Bones ignored the leering and did his best to push it to one side, hating how Jim didn't seem to have the foggiest as to how he made the older man feel. Which by the way was like a teenage boy going through puberty in the dead heat of a Georgian summer.

And he could see the internal struggle in Jim, torn between fighting and giving in, but thankfully for Bones it would seem that Jim decided that just this once he would give in, heaving himself up onto the bed. “Look, Bones- uh- I’m guessing it’s Doctor McCoy now, huh- I’m just- I’m alright. You should see the other guy.”

He looked at Bones through his eyelashes. “C’mon, I’m okay. Barely got me with that bottle. I think the Andorian whiskey probably cleaned ever cut on my face I’m gonna have for the next month. Bartender was kinda pissed, though. ‘Pparently Andorian alcohol’s real expensive.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Wasn’t my fault that’s the bottle that asshole Schafer grabbed.”

A brief appraisal informed Bones that his old friend had himself bruised hands, bleeding knuckles, a cut to his hairline which looked old judging by the encrusted blood, a cut to both his lip and eyebrow, possibly cracked or broken ribs and he knew that Jim tended to take his hits low and as such it meant his kidneys were probably feeling the fight quite keenly.

"Shafer, huh?" Bones asked as he fired up the dermal and took a hold of Jim's chin in his calloused grip, touch gentle but firm. "About time somebody put that ass in his place." His hazel eyes fixated on the cut until he was happy with the way the skin was knitting back together.

“I’ve revoked his command. I just gotta call it in. Starfleet’ll send someone else to replace him. They always do.” Jim remarked, all cavalier, but Bones knew how seriously Jim had taken that decision, And he could feel the thread of tension held in Jim's shoulders, but he was grateful that the other man stayed where he could look after him.

“You’ve lost weight, you know.” Jim said casually, a little too casually. “Thought you were meant to be a doctor. You’re not looking after yourself very well.”

"I've been busy," Bones offered easily and offhandedly. "Only trauma surgeon this space station has and I was up three days straight before Adelaide marched me to my quarters and hypo’ed me to sleep." He decided that focusing on patching Jim up was far better than fixating on how good Jim smelt or how it was just so fucking wonderful to see him that Bones itched to touch for reasons that weren't for medical purposes. But he refrained, knowing he'd lost any such privileges when he'd walked away, A good thing too because there was only so long that an old man could be that stupid for that long and Jim, well, he decided deserved somebody better. A bright eyed bushy tailed young person who had their eyes on the stars and had high hopes for the future not some bitter old cranky sonofabitch who wouldn't know what to do with love again.

He cleaned up the cut on Jim's eyebrow, catching the blood and mopping it away, before running a dermal over it. There, all gone, good as new. He smoothed his thumb over the recently repaired skin. "And you ain't one to talk, Jim. I can count the exact amount of weight you've dropped not to mention tell you the amount of hours of sleep you haven't had." And he could, he knew Jim well enough to be able to pinpoint those details. Frightening really considering how long they had been apart.

Bones reached for Jim's hands, taking a long hard look at them, making sure he hadn't broken anything.

“I’ve been busy, only Captain on my ship and all,” Jim said with a shrug of his shoulders. “Working hard to make sure she stays hanging in the black. Not like I’ve got much incentive to wind down now anyway.”

Bones' jaw clenched at that dig and he did his best to ignore it, not scream at Jim all the reasons he had left and more, but it was clear it had struck a chord despite the fact Bones was doing his best to hide it. _Breathe, Leonard, breathe_. Wouldn't do him or Jim any good if he was to lose his shit, especially as he had walked away but he had his reasons, not that Jim cared.

If Bones had thought Jim was tense a second ago he was now ramrod straight and it would be a miracle if he didn't break his teeth off against each other.

“Lots of paperwork,” Jim hurriedly added.

He determined that Jim hadn't broken any fingers. "Nothin' broken." He cleaned up the knuckles then ran the dermal over them, letting it knit the skin and heal the scattered marks and subsequent bruising. Bones didn't need to be looking at Jim to know that he was curled tighter than a coiled snake because hell he could feel the tension radiating off the younger man. It was impossible to ignore.

Bones repeated the action with the other hand then moved onto parting the blond strands, wiping away the encrusted blood to get a better look at the cut to determine the extent of the damage. "A Captain's work is never done," he murmured with a shrug before he went about healing the damage done to Jim's head. Thankfully not enough to cause a concussion.

And despite everything, Jim was still as Bones administered care to the broken skin. "I guess so. I feel like I’ve forgotten what downtime is,” Jim shared as he fidgeted, a clear sign to Bones that he wanted to be anywhere than right here with him. Go figure. "Looks like you have too. Woulda figured you’d love being here, surrounded by people who love science and shit and would keep your brain all busy. How come you left the research ship? What happened, did Starfleet run out of projects to give you?”

Jim's eyes were on the door and Bones resisted the urge he had to sigh.

"I got bored," Bones offered with a shrug. "Figured that my skills could be better used elsewhere such as here. Good thing too considering what happened." Ah, small talk, Bones hated it, but sometimes it was a necessity. He just never thought it would be one with Jim but it was funny how things changed. And Bones, well, he'd made his bed and knew how to lie in it. It wouldn't be the first time somebody he loved hated him in return.

He knew Jim was anxious to get away and Bones pushed out a breath, feeling far more tired than he had any right considering the amount of sleep he'd gone and gotten thanks to Adelaide's insistence. "Won't be much longer, Jim." He cleared his throat and gestured. "Just gotta take a look at your ribs, make sure they're not broke and then you've got the all clear."

Really if Jim didn't want to be around him then Bones wasn't going to force him.

“I don’t wanna,” Jim said so petulantly that it almost caused Bones to roll his eyes. “I don’t have time for an osteo to be used on them, so even if they’re broken I just gotta wait for them to heal, right?” He tilted his head and gave what could only be described as a very hollow smile. “Can’t- can’t we just… pretend they’re okay and then I can leave?”

"'Fraid I can't do that as a doctor," Bones said with a shake of his head "If you want I'll get somebody else to take a look, would that help any?" It was scary how perceptive Bones could be as far as Jim went because he could almost hear Jim's inner monologue even though he wasn't telepathic. He readied a hypo though, filled it with a painkiller he knew from his extensive knowledge of Jim's allergies that Jim could have in small doses. "This ought to help with the pain." Bones injected the hypo into Jim's neck then rubbed the area before discarding the hypo.

He scrubbed his fingers through his hair. "I'll get M'Benga to finish this up."

Hell, Bones hadn't even known what had hit him before it was too late, the previously awkward exchange soon turned cold, especially as Jim seemed to misinterpret his words. Took them as an affront when really all Bones had been trying to do was get Jim looked at and clearly he wasn't the one Jim wanted looking after him.

“Yeah, sure,” Jim said sharply. “Because it’s that easy for you, huh. To just walk away again, leave me in the hands of someone else.” Then he was on his feet, all hurt and angry, making Bones frown. “You’re- Yeah, get another doctor to look at me. I’d almost forgotten that you’d quit being mine.”

"Easy?" Bones countered with a disbelieving laugh. "You think what I did was easy? Oh hell, kid. You have no idea, you really don't." His temper had been simmering from the moment Jim had taken a passive aggressive dig at him but now, well now, he was done playing nice. Especially as he was exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained. The last few days had been horrific to say the least.

He shook his head. "You don't get to stand there and judge me not when you don't know the half of it, James." Not Jim, James. Old nicknames didn't have a place in this argument because they were familiar and Bones- No, Leonard - didn't want familiar, especially as he sure as hell wasn't just going to stand here and take Jim's accusing glare and hurtful words, not when he'd done what he had for the good of everybody involved

He would have screwed up eventually, made a mistake because he was too emotionally involved, too emotionally compromised.

"And before you throw the fact I never explained my reasons in my face then yes I admit that I walked away without telling you why, but you should know me well enough to know I don't make any decisions lightly and I sure as shit didn't take walking away from you, the Enterprise and the crew lightly no matter what you may think about me." And his accent was there, thick and present.

“Except you didn’t walk away from the crew, did you,” Jim accused easily, his hands flexing, which Bones knew meant that he wanted to punch something or someone. Him most likely. And honestly? Bones might have welcomed that at this point. "Because I know you’ve been in touch with them. Whether they commed you or you commed them first I don’t give a shit, but you told me that it was for the good of everyone that you left, that’s quite clearly not fucking true since you still speak to them. But me? You walked away from the Enterprise and _me_ , Doctor McCoy. You walked away from me. When you fucking promised me that was something you would never do. And-“ he let out a slightly hysterical laugh at his own stupidity, “-somewhere along the line I started believing you. That you wouldn’t leave me. That you wouldn’t be like everyone else. Stupid, huh.”

Low blow, Jim, really fucking low blow. It cut deep and left a sting in its wake, especially as Bones despite himself wanted to reach out, tangle his hands in Jim's shirt and pull him into a kiss that would most certainly show the stupid asshole just how much he cared.

“Shoulda known better than that,” Jim said, shaking his head, “But I’m not giving you the chance to walk away from me again.”

And then he was gone, storming out, leaving Bones very much alone.

Bones blew out a frustrated breath as Jim stormed off on him and he proceeded to cuss up quite the storm, foot catching on something as he kicked a nearby bin a fair distance before he just leaned against the bio-bed, hands curling around the edges as Bones did his best to remain rooted where he was instead of stalking after the damned idiot.

_Breathe, Leonard, breathe._

And here he thought after his ex-wife he wouldn't be feeling anything like that again, but here he was feeling every bit the broken man he had all those years ago. Only it was so much worse because it was _Jim_. "Dammit," he grumbled under his breath before he turned and slumped back against the bed, folding his arms across his chest before sure enough there he went pinching the bridge of his nose.

He also hated how his eyes seemed to be burning.

Honestly Bones didn't really know how long he'd been standing there before well, Jim, had come marching back in and Bones had been ready for a punch. He'd even lifted his chin when Jim had yanked his hand from his face, but instead of being punched he was being kissed. It didn't even occur to him much later that Jim had removed the privacy screen so this display of... whatever this could and was being viewed by the entire medical crew from the USS-Enterprise. And if he'd been ready he would have kissed back and clung to Jim in all the ways he would be later ashamed of, but as it was, Jim blew into the sickbay and blew out again just as quick.

The kiss felt like the start of something but as he was pushed away with such force and apparent disgust Bones slammed into the bio-bed with the startling realisation that in this moment that the kiss didn't mean the start of anything and it definitely signalled that Jim Kirk was so over this bullshit. Bones lifted a hand and rubbed it over his thoroughly kissed bottom lip, feeling the sting of the kiss and the utter brutality in it and from Jim that was pretty damn frightening. Especially as the kid could be as soft as newborn foal if given the right surroundings.

"Hell," he murmured with a shake of his head before his eyes cut to the lollygaggers and the Doctor's famous temper bubbled over. "Dont'cha got anythin' better to be doin' than staring at me? Get back to work!" And sure enough back to work they went, leaving Bones alone with his tulmutous inner thoughts. Jim had kissed him and whilst it was as passionate as Bones had imagined it could be, it was most certainly not at all anything like he'd hoped it be. But what else did he expect? He'd walked away.

Bones rubbed his hands over his face and threaded his fingers into his hair, squeezing the back of his neck before he engaged the privacy screen again, sliding down into a crouch before merely folding in on himself.

_Breathe, Leonard, breathe._


	17. Stardate 2260.20

_Stardate 2260.20 - Three Hundred and Twenty Five Days After Leaving The Enterprise_

Well, happy fucking birthday, Leonard McCoy. Another year older and most definitely not another year wiser, especially if his recent decisions were anything to go by. Especially the impulsive one he’d made all that time ago to follow some bright eyed kid into the black, all because Bones had been fool enough to fall head over heels for him. Not that he’d been thinking much about his birthday given that he had spent so many hours patching people up and tending to the wounded that in retrospect the celebration of his birth didn’t seem all that important. 

So Bones wasn’t making a big deal out of it, he was hiding away in his room, a bottle of Bourbon for company and the rest of the world shut out and kept at arm’s length. In hindsight he should have done the same with Jim, but the kid had most definitely wiggled in and hell if Bones could shift him despite his best endeavours. He might have spared himself and Jim a whole world of hurt if he’d just stayed with Starfleet Medical, but then again Jim might be dead if the thing with Khan had still panned out the way it had so at least Bones had done one good thing in his time of knowing the other man.

“Here’s to that,” he murmured, voice low and whiskey rich, before he knocked back a shot and rolled his neck.

And it was more than a little childish, but Bones was deliberately ignoring the transfer request he’d received from Commander Spock. Apparently the green blooded Hobgoblin wanted the battle worn doctor back aboard and Bones had his money on the fact he’d gone behind Jim’s back because there was no way come Hell or high water that Jim would want him back as his CMO, especially after what had happened in the sickbay. Sneaky sonofabitch, Bones reluctantly felt himself growing a newfound respect for the Vulcan.

And he would have merrily downed the remainder of the bottle when a beeping caught his attention and his eyebrow twitched, who in the hell would be comming him, on this day and at this time of night? Bones figured that it was probably something to do with the patients he had left under M’Benga’s watchful gaze and as such he dragged himself to his feet, crossing over to verify his thumbprint.

“Computer, play message.”

“There are two messages, Doctor. To which do you refer?”

Bones rolled his eyes at the computer and suppressed his annoyance at the infernal thing. “I don’t really care, play the earliest first.” 

“Playing the first message.”

“Took you long enough,” Bones grumbled before helping himself to another glass of Bourbon however his hands stilled when he heard an all too familiar drunken drawl. 

"Happy two hundred day anniversary, jackass.” Oh hell that was Jim and he sounded angry, really fucking angry. Bones turned his head and sure enough there was his ex best friend all wasted and waving his hand at the camera.

His hand almost paused the holovid but as twisted as it was, Bones let it run, turning to face the fury of Jim Kirk because he figured he deserved it and Jim should have his say. Better drunk than never.

"You know, it's been two hundred days now since you left to go onto the Endeavour and you sent me one message but I know you're in touch with everyone else. So, if that's the case, why was it better for everyone if you left? Why was it better that you left me and the ship and her crew to go off and do research projects?

And when Jim started listing the amount of people that had died under M’Benga’s care during the outbreak of the virus Bones swallowed hard, working his teeth together until he could feel a headache coming on. The boy certainly knew how to lay the guilt on thick, make Bones feel like he was only two inches tall and he grumbled. “It’s not like I could have known that when I left Jim. “

If he had he never would have left.

“Happy, Jim?” He bit out with a strangled laugh. “Ha! Not likely.” Bones helped himself to a liberal amount of Bourbon then pressed his lips together as Jim’s voice broke, raging about how he wasn’t happy and how he thought Bones was selfish. “Yeah, Jim, that’s me. A selfish bastard. You and my ex-wife should get together, exchange notes.” It was stupid, to talk back to a holovid, but here he was doing just that. “Think you might actually like her if that’s what you really think of me.”

His eyes darkened and cut towards Jim as the subject of Tarsus IV was brought into this particular tirade and he’d almost opened his mouth to snap something back when Jim threw in oh so casually another piece of the past that Bones had been desperately trying to piece together for as long as he’d known Jim.

Well, fuck.

Bones stilled his mouth and quietened his own rampaging thoughts as he watched Jim from above the rim of his glass, just listening without letting his emotions get in the way. This wasn’t the way he’d wanted to find out about Jim’s past which haunted him late at night, but if this was how he found out then so be it. He sagged back against his desk and knocked back the remainder of his drink before curling his hands around the edge of that desk, jaw working together as he watched Jim fall apart before his eyes.

He itched to touch, reach out, pull Jim close and murmur nothing but soft drawled reassurances that it was going to be alright and that he wasn’t leaving again. It had hurt too much the first time around, but Bones, well, he stuck by what he’d done. Even if it hadn’t been the right thing to do it had felt that way at the time.

Then Jim started talking about trust and well, Bones felt like somebody had reached in and yanked his heart clean out of his chest. “Yeah, well, that’s your stupid fault for thinking I’m perfect, Jim.” Bones shook his head. “The ex-wife was smart, she got out quick. You should’ve done the same, should’ve just taken one look at me on that death shuttle and never taken a second one. I ain’t worth all of this, Jim.”

The next words out of Jim’s mouth caused Bones’ breath to hitch and he momentarily paused the video, just trying to process the fact Jim had all but confessed to wanting something more. Sure, Bones had fantasized, more times than he’d consider healthy, but he’d never thought- Bones swallowed hard and allowed the video to play again, folding arms across his chest. “I dunno, kid. I just figured you were saying that ‘cause you thought it was what I wanted to hear. But hell I would’ve followed you to the end of the world until my dying day. Still would, which God’s honest truth scares the shit outta me.”

Then he was levelled with those emotion fuelled blue eyes and Bones brow knitted together. “You being good was never the problem.” And it wasn’t, it was all him, always had been. “And you wanna know what you did wrong?” He breathed out a broken laugh and swallowed a suddenly formed lump in the back of his throat. “You died on me, Jim. Threw your life away like it meant nothin’ at all. But you didn’t just stop there, did you? No, you just kept dying on me over and over again until I didn’t know if I could save you-“ Bones dropped his head and swallowed, pressing the heels of both hands into his eyes as he tried to scrub away tears he absolutely refused to let fall. This was stupid, pathetic and utterly ridiculous. Jim wasn’t even here and he was pulling Bones apart like a marionette doll.

He heard the flare of anger but then it gave way to something indescribable and Bones peeled his hands away, latched them around his desk before he met and held Jim’s gaze, breath coming out in a snort. “Yeah, I’m taking plenty good care of myself.” Only not at all, but it would have to be good enough.

And with a final parting shot Jim’s face disappeared and Bones tipped his head back, gathering his breath. “Well, that was…” He had no words, especially as it felt like he’d been shot in the chest and there was nothing anybody could do to stop the bleed.

There was a prolonged silence in his quarters until the computer interrupted it. “Doctor, there is a second message. Did you wish to play it?”

“Whose it from?”

“Captain James Tiberius Kirk.”

Was Jim trying to kill him? Apparently so. Bones squared his shoulders and pushed past the emotions trying to destroy him. “Oh to hell with it I’ve started this might as well finish it. Computer, play message.”

And it started pretty much how he expected and Bones steeled himself as Jim began yet another angry tirade.

“You know, Bones, that birthday message was kind of a dick thing to do. Fuck me for making you care? Fuck _me_ for making _you_ care? No, Bones, you got that the wrong way round. Fuck you. Fuck you very much because it took me months to be able to work out how to fucking function without you around. At one point, they were talking about making me step down for a while, I was that screwed over by you leaving and you have the nerve to tell me that- fuck me for making you care?

Guilt trips were apparently Jim Kirk’s speciality as late and Bones felt his jaw ticking as he was in fact giving himself a headache by just standing there and taking it, wasn’t like he could strike back and hell he was too tired to do much of anything else, especially as the force of Jim’s anger was staggering.

This message unlike the other one also had a thread of emotion which gave Bones a slither of hope that something could be recovered from the wreckage of their relationship because as much as Jim might hate him for what he did he still cared, that much was obvious. Especially as Jim admitted to needing him and how it was killing him that Bones wasn’t there.

“Yeah, it ain’t exactly a cakewalk for me either, kid.”

This was only half the truth of how the last few months had impacted the older man, especially as he had been operating most of the time feeling as though he was missing a much needed limb. If he was the sappy sort and believed in soulmates he would have put good money on Jim Kirk being his. Heh, wouldn’t the ex-wife love hearing that?

He swallowed as the video continued and his eyes rolled at the Vulcan gesture. “You’ve been spending too much time around that pointy ear bastard.” But nevertheless he took it as it was meant and he nodded. “Yeah, Jim, I can do that.” 

Then the video ended and Bones was still for the longest time before he did the first impulsive thing he had done since leaving the Enterprise, he thumb-printed the transfer request and swiped it across with a clear resounding ‘transfer accepted’ response.

He was probably going to regret this later, but right now, Bones wanted back on the Enterprise and if it meant sneaking in through the back door then so be it, let Jim deal with him someplace he couldn’t run from. “Happy fucking birthday to me,” he drawled as he collected the bottle and helped himself to a few long swallows, determined to drink himself into oblivion because he was going to need all the Dutch courage going forward.

So much for being a ‘recovering’ alcoholic.


	18. Stardate 2060.24

_Stardate 2060.24 – Two Days After Returning To The Enterprise_

It was by Bones’ count two whole days since he had returned to the Flagship known as the USS-Enterprise and whilst not a lot had changed there were some things that had changed irrevocably. Like his relationship with Jim for example, but hey, you got what you gave. He’d hurt him and Jim being Jim was doing his damnedest to give him a wide berth, but that was probably for the best. Even if it was by far worse than the self imposed torture he had subjected himself to for months upon months.

That said here he remained, taking Jim’s disinterest on those broad shoulders of his, fulfilling his role as the good ship’s doctor as expected of him by both his Captain and Starfleet. He hadn’t just come back to the Enterprise for Jim.

Aw, hell, who was he kidding, of course he had.

And what a sorry state of affairs that was, but Bones came from a long line of McCoys whose motto in life was ‘nothin’ worth doing is ever easy’ and his grandmother was a real advocate for taking your licks when you deserved them and facing up to things so Bones supposed his accepting the damned Vulcan’s transfer request was his way of making up for the mistake he’d made by leaving in the first place. Especially as he was a damn good doctor and a ship like Enterprise needed somebody with the balls to make the hard calls or the right ones depending on how you viewed it.

And then there were all the new faces, which he knew were as a direct result of that virus outbreak, but still he hated new faces, especially when the kid had a good crew to begin with. But that was on him, if he’d stayed then maybe just maybe some of those poor crew might still be alive today. M’Benga whilst a good man and a capable doctor had a habit of being scatter-brained so the filing system Bones had so painstakingly setup during his time on the Enterprise before asking for a transfer had been shot to hell and so he spent the hours after his shift ended sorting through the chaotic mess.

Those were some long, very tedious hours, but it had to be done. If anything it helped take Bones’ mind off the cold breeze coming off Jim’s shoulder and the fact his new quarters were half the size of his original ones. He’d challenge anybody to sleep comfortably in that ridiculous tiny bed, he really would. Also being in the sickbay meant it was easier for Bones to work on the side project he had picked during his stint on the Endeavour which was a remedy to the horrific side effects to the medication Jim had to take on a daily basis and he was close, oh so close. All he needed was a bit more time and then the horrible hours locked away from the crew would be far behind Jim, giving the Captain a taste of his old life before he’d gone and done the stupid thing of crawling around in a warp core.

Bones momentarily froze as those words had flitted so casually through his head that he hadn’t caught them in time and as such he was reeling at the memory of unzipping the bag and looking down at Jim: cold, lifeless, dead. Bones’ hands curled around his desk and he willed himself to breathe, knowing a panic attack when he felt one, trying to doctor his way out of collapsing into a ball and rocking back and forth. 

“Breathe,” he murmured hoarsely. “C’mon, Leo. In and out, slow, deep, just breathe.” And he followed his own coaxing words, repeating the rhythmic breaths as he pulled himself out of the panic and right back to solid ground, listening to the hum of the ship around her and the coming and going of the sickbay around him. Hazel eyes had eased shut as he’d worked his way free of the emotions clawing at him, trying to drag him back into the depths of turmoil he’d thought he’d put long behind him. Hah, what a lot of utter horseshit. 

Bones reached out for the nearby PADD when he felt steadier on his feet and concentrated on sorting through people’s medical history in particular the new faces because he needed to know if they were allergic to anything, had any health conditions he needed to monitor or something that didn’t look right in their last medical and Bones frowned, concern flourishing in his eyes as he regarded one Gary Mitchell’s record. There looked to be some abnormal blood work. What the hell? Bones hit his comm.

“Nurse Carmichael?”

“Yes, Doctor?”

“Do me a favour, will ya? Schedule Mitchell in for a check up as soon as possible.”

“Straight away, Doctor.”

Bones mumbled a thank you before he made a mental note, briefly letting his interest drift to the Captain’s file. Honestly he was definitely a glutton for punishment, especially as Jim despite the birthday message was doing a good job of making the fact he wanted nothing to do with Bones loud and clear. Well, too bad kid, you’re stuck with the old doctor. Bones was back and he wasn’t going anywhere, not again, he’d made that mistake once already. An old dog could learn new tricks, even if it was bordering on being too late. But hell, life was about facing up to mistakes and doing what you could to recover what was left, even that hadn’t worked out too swell for him and his ex-wife. Hopefully Jim would be different.

Bones took the time to read and re-read Jim’s medical file, cataloguing, making notes, recommending course of treatments and rescheduling him in for a long overdue once over because that boy needed it more than most. And this time he was going to sit all nice and polite on the nearest bio-bed until Bones gave him the all clear. If he didn’t come on his own steam then well Bones was not above ratting him out to a certain pointy ear Vulcan.

All in good time, all in good time.


	19. Stardate 2060.27

_Stardate 2060.27 – Five Days After Returning To The Enterprise_

Jim, Bones realised, was not the most subtle of people.

This he had concluded (as if he hadn’t already known) as he stepped foot outside of sickbay and he saw a flash of blond hair vanishing behind a door and as he stepped closer – which he definitely did – he was sure he heard Jim’s panicked voice instructing a very confused Lieutenant Riley, chief of security, to _shut the damn door_. 

Ah for crying out loud, Jim.

And this wasn’t the first time he’d caught Jim… lingering, he’d seen him the day before and the one before that, but each time Jim had either made a dive that would in the God’s honest truth give him flailing gazelle’s first steps a run for their money in clumsiness or pretended to be deep in conversation with somebody so he could ignore Bones.

Bones now he wasn’t really the most patient of people because let’s face it most people were idiots and he didn’t do well with stupidity on a good day and the last couple days had been anything but good. He was rapidly starting to lose the tenuous grip he had on acting all right and proper, giving Jim his space, and he was starting to feel like latching his fingers in that blasted command gold and shaking some sense into the man.

But instead of tapping on the door and asking oh so kindly for the Lieutenant to hand the Captain over to him Bones inhaled and stepped away from the door, taking long definitive strides in the direction of one Lieutenant Russell’s office because hell he was long due for a good long talk. 

Only he probably wouldn’t talk as much as he would rant. 

Still, it counted as talking.

And so Bones marched himself right into her office never mind the fact she might be busy. 

“Jim fucking Kirk,” he snarled upon entering. “Honest to God, that boy. If he ain’t avoiding me he’s ducking and running for cover.”

He was lucky Adelaide wasn't busy. She merely lifted an eyebrow when one Leonard McCoy burst into her office, snarling and spitting the likes of which she'd not seen for a long time. She sat up a little in her chair, uncrossed her legs and then leaned forward.

"By all means, Leo," she said, British accent clipped and dark eyes amused and serious all at the same time. "Come in, sit down. Take a load off." She shook her head a little. "What's he done now?" she asked, inviting Bones to start all over again.

“Don’t you take me to take a load off,” Bones remarked with an accusing finger. “I know that’s just shrink talk for lemme make you more comfortable so you can bare your soul to me and I can tell you all the ways you’ve gone and screwed things up.”

He blew out a breath and scrubbed a hand through his head. “Aside from lingering outside of the Sickbay then diving into a room or pretending for all the world like he’s not down there ‘cause of me?”

Adelaide rolled her eyes and said "Oh, I have missed you, Leo" affectionately before she blew out a sigh. She was a friend of theirs too, having known Bones since he first came to the Academy and sat next to her in one of their shared classes, finally got Jim to stop hating her after Bones nearly died from that alien terrorist attack in their second year.

She laced her fingers together and rested her chin against her knuckles. "I'm not shrink talking you," she reassured, "But tell me if you're going to pace; I get sea sick."

She watched him carefully before she spoke. "Of course he's down there because of you. Why else would he willingly even put himself on the same deck as sickbay?" She shook her head. "I don't think he knows how to deal with this."

Bones grumbled something under his breath before he took a seat, leaning forward to clasp his hands together and just shaking his head. “Yeah, he best join the club. I ain’t got the faintest idea, darlin’.” He was starting to think that maybe he should have left well enough alone, but that wasn’t his way, he pushed and pushed. And not doing that all those months ago had gone against everything that made him who he was and look how well that had turned out.

“So what do you want to happen now?" Adelaide asked, tipping her head, a few strands of red hair falling across her face before she brushed them away, tucking them behind her ear. "I don't think you want your first conversation to be when he's been hypo'd into submission after an away mission gone awry," she pointed out. "So you need to work out what you want. Then we can go about working out how you get it."

Well Bones wanted a lot of things, but he knew realistically that he wasn’t getting them so why torture himself with what if’s and could be’s? That wasn’t how he worked. He pressed his palms together and took to lacing his fingers together to avoid fidgeting because that would give away more than he wanted.

“I just want the kid to be able to look me in the eye,” he admitted. “I want him to be able to have a real actual conversation with me without tryin’ to escape the room as fast as his legs can carry him.”

Those dark eyes focused on Bones, watching each minute movement with all the training and natural intuition granted to the councillor as a Betazoid. "He didn't know you were coming back. After being blindsided by your presence on the Elysium-" she reached forward, squeezed his wrist and retreated, "-he barely had a chance to deal with his emotions from that before he finds himself trapped here without an easy escape. You know Jim better than me, Leo. He's running scared because he doesn't know what to do.

"This isn't something he can beat with brute force or cocky arrogance. A flash of that smile and a few smooth words isn't going to fix this and- well, he's having to face up to all those feelings he buried when you transferred and I think he's freewheeling a bit."

She lifted a shoulder. "I think you should talk to him. I mean really talk to him. Somewhere private. Where you can't be interrupted and where he can't easily run away."

Bones’ eyes flicked up at Adelaide and his reserve was all too present on the lines in his face and the way his mouth pressed together. Talking, hell, when had that ever solved anything? Hadn’t done jackshit for his marriage, but then she hadn’t wanted to listen. Maybe Jim would still be open to the idea?

“So you’re suggesting I corner him? This being Jim Kirk who lashes out like a wounded animal if cornered?”

Adelaide's shoulders lifted again. "I don't think, at this point, Leo, you have anything to lose. Besides, he'd never lash out at you. No more than he already has done. I think you've both done your fair share of hurts and hurting over the course of this trial separation."

Bones' eyebrow twitched and he snorted softly because after the exchange on the Elysium and the holovids he wasn't sure how much he trusted those words of Adelaide's. "Y'know if this blows up in my face I'm holding you responsible for making me think that talking to him is a good idea."

Adelaide wet her lower lip. "That's absolutely fine, Leo. And then I'll call him into my office and yell at him a bit." She got to her feet, standing beside the doctor and putting her fingers in his hair. Where he was sat, his head and shoulders were at just above her hip height. Her touch moved through his hair. "You know, you're both as ridiculous as each other."

“I ain't never been good at this," Bone said with a shake of his head. "It's like the blind leading the blind." Because it wasn't like Jim had any sort of compass of his own. It was all Bones. And Bones was a bitterly divorced old man who for the longest of time had truly believed that love was for fools and suckers.

Now look at him.

Crouching down in front of him, Adelaide wasn't Dr Russell, ship's councillor, anymore, she was Adelaide Russell, close friend and confidante and her hand slid to the back of Bones' neck, drawing him closer until their foreheads were resting together.

"You're a beautiful man and a- look, let me tell you for a fact that you are a really great boyfriend. I know from experience," she offered somewhat smugly. "But this… you just need to talk to him, Leo, talk to him and don't shout and don't let him shout."

She hesitated, glancing at the chronometer and adding. "Pick your moments. Maybe not today, but pick the right time. You'll know it."

Bones gave a small roll of his eyes when she called him beautiful because honestly that word didn’t even fit him. He was just old and bad tempered. “I ain’t beautiful, darlin’. Folk like you and Jim are beautiful. I’m just that old that you’re starting to confuse antique with beauty.”

"You're like a fine wine, Leo," Adelaide offered, though there was a slight flush to her cheeks at the compliment from her old friend. She lifted her head, pressed a kiss to his temple, lingering in his space for a few moments like she was taking comfort from the presence of the man she'd missed so much in his absence.

Then his brows drew together as she spoke about the right moment, wondering if he was understanding her right. Did she mean….? No, surely not. This was Adelaide, but then she could be downright underhanded when she wanted to be. He knew better than most considering how she’d managed to sneak into his room on more than one occasion when they were dating back in the Academy.

“Yeah,” he affirmed with a nod of his head. “I think you might be right about that.”

She withdrew then, holding her hand out for him to take. "I'm always right, Leo, you know that," she said, squeezing his fingers when he took her hand, using the grip to help pull him to his feet. "I'm glad you're back."

Bones rose to his feet and he gave a begrudging nod of his head. “It’s good to be back.” And it was, the Jim cold shoulder aside, it was good to be back somewhere he considered home. Now that was an odd thought, a starship being home. Lord what was the world coming to?

“Suppose I oughta let you get back to work.”

"You know my door's always open for you, Leo, on and off shift." Adelaide reassured, squeezing his fingers again before she let go and returned to her desk. "Think about what I said, won't you?"

“I will,” Bones assured her before he headed to the door, letting Adelaide’s words circle his head as he made his way to sickbay. He’d have to pick his time very carefully.


	20. Stardate 2260.30

_Stardate 2260.30 - Eight days After Returning To The Enterprise_

Bones had made his mind up and changed it what felt a billion times over since he had decided to take Adelaide's advice, moving to leave his quarters before throwing his hands up and heading back in. "Nope, not going." But then he realised just how fucking cowardly he was being and turned on his heel once more, marching his way out of his room in the direction of Jim's room. 

He didn't have the first idea about what he was going to say, which was probably a bad idea, because it meant he'd be spitballing and that never turned out well. Sometimes it paid to have a filter between your brain and mouth and yet Bones hadn't been able to put his thoughts and feelings into words because truth be told all he wanted to do was crush his mouth against Jim's, drown in him and push everything else to one side.

Only that wasn't happening because Adelaide was right, they needed to talk.

And so here he was at a God awful time, hovering, hand poised ready to ask for permission. It was odd, standing at Jim's door, asking for permission. He hadn't done that in his entire friendship with Jim, but that was then and this was now. Things had changed, best get with the program. Bones inhaled and pressed down before waiting. 

It quite honestly felt like an eternity before he finally heard Jim's voice. "Enter."

And enter he did even if his feet practically begged to be rooted to the deck beneath the heavy treads of his Starfleet issue boots as Bones had only just gotten off shift so here he was, in Jim's quarters. "We need to talk," he muttered roughly. "Or rather I need to talk and you need to listen."

Bones lifted an eyebrow as he noted the glasses, his mouth already open to ask when Jim had started wearing them, but then he snapped it shut. _Focus, Leo. Say what you came to say._ He could see Jim fighting getting the automatic reaction to having Bones close and that was to hold tension in his shoulders, Bones could see it from where he was stood. He could still read the kid's body language like an old familiar book so beloved that the spine had been broken, but Bones had always paid too much attention to the small details. It had driven his ex insane, it really had.

He was half expecting to be kicked out on his ass, but then Jim waved his hand, gesturing that Bones came further in. And so he did, against all better judgement, But he didn't take a seat, couldn't for this, he had to be able to move. Jim probably didn't realise but Bones knew he was cutting it fine to the next pill, he'd set up the arrangement after all and he hadn't forgotten the timings. Couldn't, not now and not ever.

Fine,” Jim started before pushing those glasses up his nose and Bones was so distracted how... oddly adorable Jim looked in them that he momentarily forgot what it was he was going to say. "So talk." And then. "I'm listening." Well, hell, he had Jim's attention, what now? Bones inhaled, exhaled and started his pacing.

"I owe you an explanation," he began. "A real actual one about why I left." He turned his head to look at Jim then looked away, jaw ticking as he tried his best how to express himself. "I left 'cause I was as the Vulcans would say, emotionally compromised. I was... too attached, cared too goddamn much an' I was worried that one of these days when you went and did some fool thing I'd not be able to do my job 'cause I was too fixated on the fact you were hurt or dying." The _again_ hung in the air between them. "I was always taught that a doctor keeps this distance, Jim. It helps you separate what you need to do as a medic and what you desperately want to be able to do as a human being. I lost that distance somewhere along the line probably round the same time you slipped under the radar and wormed your way into my heart." 

He folded one arm across his chest and then took to pinching his nose as if he could feel a headache coming on but sometimes it helped him to think. "I didn't want to let my feelings affect the way I did my job, Jim. Couldn't let that happen, crew like this and a Captain like you deserve better from their CMO." His long legs kept carrying him back and forth in Jim's quarters, one hand moving as if that would help him better accent his points. "You died on me, Jim." And his voice broke even though he hadn't wanted it to and Bones pressed his teeth together. "That changed everything. Not just for me, but for everybody on this ship. I never thought-" He finally looked up and looked Jim straight in the eye. "Every day I was livin' with the fear that I'd see you in another body bag, being carried into my Sickbay, everybody's eyes on me waiting and expectin' me to make the call nobody else could." 

Bones took what he hoped would be a calming breath. "I couldn't be a good Doctor, to you or anybody else. 'cause I was too busy worrying 'bout you dying. How was I supposed to be a good CMO if that was all I could think about?"

“But that’s why you’re my CMO,” was softly spoken and Bones felt a rush of air leave him as he'd been expecting something else. “You care. And that’s important. You care enough to know everything about everyone by rote. Because that means you’ll not stop until you’ve fixed us, patched us up. Hell, you stop us getting into these situations where we might otherwise-“ Bones turned his head in time to watch as Jim rubbed a hand through his hair and squeezed the back of his neck, Bones' own fingers itching to do much the same. “Bones, you learned to be a doctor in a country hospital where mostly the people you treated were complete strangers. You weren’t trained for this, for serving with a crew and a family and people you see on a daily basis. The rules don’t apply out here, you said so yourself. You gotta be realistic, take things as they come. Adjust and adapt, right?” 

Bones snorted a little and he refolded his arms across his chest as listened, let Jim speak and really listened. There was a definite tone in Jim's voice that he couldn't deny and he wanted so much just to give in and tell Jim that he wouldn't feel guilty anymore, but he couldn't. Jim had _died_ on him and realistically there wouldn't have been anything he could have done, but maybe just maybe if Jim had called him and not... Spock. Bones immediately banished those thoughts as now was not the time for petty jealousy over Jim's friendship with the Vulcan, especially as that Vulcan was the reason Bones was back on the Enterprise. 

Granted his lips did twitch at the lighthearted remark about Jim's command decisions not being the greatest and how letting Bones transfer was somehow worse than nearly marrying Chekov off before he too became aware of the time, not because he had a watch, but Bones had an internal clock it would seem. It had been set to and remained set to the exact times of Jim's pills. 

Then Jim had to go and ask the one question Bones didn't know how to answer. “You never thought what?”

But Bones gave it some thought and decided to be brave."I never thought I'd lose you." He offered with a shrug. "I got cocky, thinkin' I learned everything I needed to know to keep you alive. Now look who’s got egg on his face?" He turned his head and collected the small dispenser along with the glass of water before bringing both over. "Don't make me have to straddle you, Jim 'cause you know full well that I will."

Honestly Bones was more than a little relieved when Jim just took both dispenser and water without a fight, taking the pill and Bones knew what was coming next. Hopefully soon enough he would have something to temper some of the worst side effects because Jim couldn't keep doing this his whole life, Bones wasn't about to let him go through this for the next God only knew how many years.

“See, I wouldn’t say you got egg on your face, Bones, considering I’m still here and you didn’t actually lose me,” Jim pointed out and Bones fought the urge he had to roll his eyes because Jim was missing the point. Bones had lost him, Jim had died on him. It had only been through a sheer miracle rebirth of a once dead Tribble that Bones had his eureka moment. Thank God as well or Jim wouldn't be here now. And hell didn't that cause him to shudder. Jim persisted, “Because y’know, you bought me back to life and all.” 

"I got lucky," Bones interjected. "If that damned Tribble hadn't come back to life-" And then he frowned as he saw the first signs of the oncoming storm, the faint sheen of sweat on Jim's forehead. And yes he was hovering because he did that, especially with Jim. Some people said he was like a mother then. Then of course Jim took the words clean out of his mouth. 

"You know, since I’m still alive and all, I’ve been taking these every day without you standing over me like a mother hen.” Ah hell, Bones saw the panic long before it had time to settle and sure enough it was with a strangled, “I was just gonna wait till you’d left before-“ followed by, “I didn’t want you t-" that Jim bolted for the nearby bathroom.

The sound of dry heaving was pure and utter agony and Bones flexed his hands restlessly before he strode into the bathroom, it wasn't a question between looking after Jim and leaving. It never had been despite what his recent actions may have suggested. He had done what he had because he thought it was the right thing to do. Now he knew it wasn't and had never been. "S'alright," he murmured as he knelt beside Jim, one hand going to his back and the other reaching up to smooth through the blond strands. "I got ya, kid."

One day hopefully soon he'd have a remedy for this bullshit so Jim could have a normal life again.

Jim reached up, hand waving over the automatic flush as soon as he was sure that the bit where he was sick was over. He swallowed just shuddered again, pretty much turning his head and folding into Bones’ chest. He hid his face against the older man’s collar bone and closed his eyes. Now that the nausea was over, the shuddering and the shaking started, his whole body fighting a war against itself. 

Bones hated this bit just as much if not more so than Jim because sure he'd brought the other man from the dead, but at what cost? Maybe it was selfish, but Bones wouldn't take anything back. He'd do it all over again because losing Jim had been like losing a part of his soul and not being able to recover it, Jim, hadn't been an option. Still wasn't. Despite what Jim might think this wasn't misplaced guilt this was concern, love even, but Bones he'd never been real good with the words so he settled for actions. Not that his ex-wife had understood, she'd always taken it wrong and hell, it was like putting himself out there all over again for all the hurt in the world. 

And then as Jim all but curled into him Bone shifted how he was knelt so he was more sat, curling his arm more firmly around Jim's shoulders. Soon he heard a weak, “Didn’t want you to see me like this," and Bones just turned his head and pressed a kiss to Jim's hair. 

"I know," he shared gruffly. The hand in Jim's hair kept moving, slow and reassuring, the tips circling and gently massaging as he all but cradled Jim's head. "But I ain't tellin' a soul. Never have an' never will."

He could feel Jim shaking and as he felt that he tightened his arm, drawing him that much closer, his other hand still moving in slow movements.

Bones strained to hear what Jim was saying at first but then shifted a little to better accommodate the other man as he tried to move, but then Jim seemed to still, curling that much closer. Bones tried not to think abut the months that Jim had been dealing with this on his own because hell he felt guilty for too many things without adding that to his list. 

“Don’t matter much, whole damn ship knows anyway. Not how bad, just that ’snot good.” And then Jim was pulling away or at least trying to so Bones merely shiftted, to assist as much as he could.

"Easy," Bones murmured. "Gotta take it slow, remember?" He eased an arm around Jim's neck and then encouraged Jim to put the other around his neck. Just like when they were in the Academy and Bones was the sober one, dragging Jim back to his room after one too many. And once he was sure that Jim was holding on Bones pulled him to his feet, pausing so Jim could deal with what would be the inevitable dizziness.

Jim turned his head, hiding his face in the warm curve of Bones’ neck and Bones ignored the way his heartbeat sped up a little in response to the press of Jim's face against his skin before rolling his eyes at himself because for God's sake man, Jim was suffering and here he was thinking about the breath on his skin and the idle movements of the other man's mouth.

“‘m alright,” Jim slurred, pointing towards the couch before Bones' gut twisted when Jim gave a self-deprecating laugh and it cut right to the quick of it, it really did. “mm, th’ bed’s over that way.” 

"Mmm," Bones murmured. "That it is." He guided Jim in the right direction and helped him get onto the bed before just looking. Ah, hell, he couldn't just leave him. He'd done enough of that to last them both a lifetime. "Don't even mention it," he offered in response to the mumbled thanks before he slipped out of his boots, easing onto the bed behind Jim, coaxing the other man's head into his lap before he threaded his fingers into his hair and worked the other hand over his back.

"Get some sleep, kid."

It was probably bad of him to be getting so close to Jim when Jim couldn't really do anything about it, but Bones couldn't just leave him on his own. Not when he knew how horrific this whole ordeal was. He'd deal with the repercussions later but as for right now he was focusing on being there for Jim in all the ways he hadn't in the last three hundred plus days.

“You don’ have t’stay,” Jim mumbled, but Bones ignored that until a further soft, “‘m very boring when ‘masleep.”

A small snort escaped the southerner. "That might well be the case, but I ain't goin' anywhere." And had Jim asked then Bones would have told him that if Vulcan hadn't requested the transfer he would have done it himself to hell with the possible rejection. "But like I said, get some sleep."

“Yessir,” Jim mumbled and Bones suppressed the urge he had to smile.

He kept right up with his touches, slow soothing and reassuring, hoping that they might be enough to lull Jim into some sort of sleep. Thankfully it seemed to work as Jim's head grew heavy and his breathing evened out, the Doctor in Bones monitoring the ragged heartbeat he could feel under his fingertips, relieved to find it evening out the deeper Jim slipped into sleep.

"One day, Jim, this'll be a thing of the past. I promise, no more of this bullshit pain. I just need a lil more time."


	21. Stardate 2260.31

_Stardate 2260.31 - Nine days Since Returning To The Enterprise_

Bones was starting to think he was going crazy or suffering from some sort of Jim Kirk withdrawal because he went to sleep alone, smelling his own aftershave, and woke surrounded by Jim's scent. The first night it happened he'd convinced himself that it was just a figment of his imagination, but after the second and third day he knew he wasn't making anything up.

Jim had been in his room and more importantly in his bed, same way he had back in the Academy when he had trouble sleeping. It was a step in the right direction, but it still didn't mean anything. Especially as they still hadn't really... _talked_ about the important things. Sure, Bones had told Jim his reason for leaving, but it still hadn't brought them any closer to any sort of reconciliation. 

Every day without fail though Bones would be in Jim's quarters, steeling him through the after effects of the medication which ironically kept him alive. Because even though, sure as shit, things still weren't anywhere near okay between them, Jim didn't have to go through that alone, Bones would make damn sure wasn’t doing that alone. Not anymore.


	22. Stardate 2260.34

_Stardate 2260.34 - Twelve days Since Returning To The Enterprise_

The truth about Leonard was that ever since Jim had gone and died on him, selfish bastard that he was, he hadn't slept quite the same.

When he slept if he slept he dreamed of warp cores, Jim dying, unzipping the bag, not being able to save him and the feeling of being utterly powerless. In his mind's eye he was screaming, slamming at the radiation barrier or alternatively yelling at Spock to _open the goddamn door_ and all the Vulcan did was look at him calmly and impassively as Jim died over and over again.

Some nights Jim haunted his dreams with accusatory words and glaring daggers of blue before he bled right out in front of Bones' eyes and all the doctor could do was watch on, unable to do anything except watch the absolute destruction of his best friend and... something more. Other nights he was the broken boy that Bones had seen in stolen nights and he told Bones how he'd let him down and how he'd left and how he would never ever forgive him. Then there were the nights when the dream started out well but as he relaxed into it and let himself be lulled into a false sense of security it soon turned nightmarish and he was trapped in it, especially as he relived the moments after he'd brought Jim back to life only to watch him die over and over again.

Currently he was experiencing a reoccuring nightmare which began the same way it always did with his fingers on the zip of the bag holding Jim's body and he was sliding it down, everything about the moment exaggerated and twisted into something far worse than it had been at the time. He was too late. hadn't done enough, should have-

Bones' eyebrows drew together and his teeth pressed together, sweat glistening on his forehead and troubled sleep clearly shown in how he strained against the sheets. "Jim," he muttered roughly. "No, kid, no. Don't you dare," Bones muttered gruffly. "Already died on me once you don't get to do it again." He pushed out a breath and twisted that much more until his legs were effectively tangled and he was starting to sweat through them. "Jesus, Jim. Breathe goddamn you, just breathe. Please, just breathe."

His hands flexed and then curled in the pillow, tightening to the point where his knuckles turned white. It wasn’t enough, it was never enough, Jim kept arresting. It didn’t matter what he tried, his heart just didn’t keep beating, just didn’t keep working for long enough.

Normally Bones woke himself from his nightmares or didn't sleep, but this one was different. There was a reassuring touch and soft words that slipped through the cracks in his subconscious, but still, he was safely ensnared in the horrific moments when he'd thought he'd figured it out and saved Jim, but then Jim would slip again and Bones would be forced to claw him back from the snatchy grabby hands of the Grim Reaper.

"Gotta be somethin' else," he continued to mumble. "Somethin' I missed. There's gotta be."

The words _"I'm alive, man"_ , a familiar voice, filtered through Bones subconscious mind and went some way to calming his frantic movements and worrying words. But still his grip on the pillow remained firm up until the point he was coaxed by some unknown influence onto his back, his breathing tight and obviously panicked.

"Keep slippin'," Bones muttered with a shake of his head. "Just when I think I've got it all figured out you just- Shit, Jim. Stop dying on me."

The unconscious southern Doctor didn't quite know what happened because one minute he was lost amongst a turbulent sea of nightmare images and the next there was a strong thud beneath the expanse of his palm and he latched on, fingers curling ever so slightly.

He didn't know that it was Jim or Jim's heart, but unconsciously knew it was safety and as such his breathing evened out. 

_“’m right here. You did it.”_


	23. Stardate 2260.45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Aliens try to get a little handsy with Bones in this chapter. Nothing happens, but there's hints at what they might have wanted to do to him which would have sort of fallen under dub-con. Just an FYI.

_Stardate 2260.45 - Twenty Three Days Since Returning To The Enterprise_

Honestly the less contact he had with strange alien Ambassadors the better because it wasn't as though he had a good run with them if the whole near death experience in the Academy was anything to go on, but Bones, well, he could smile with the best of them. Even if he'd spent more time frowning in the Arlathian company because they took to leaning in close, lifting their eyes to and trying to touch until he'd jerked backwards.

In their last encounter they'd spoke of how beautiful the wrinkles in his head were and at that point Bones had retreated into his Sickbay, safe in the knowledge that nobody wanted to linger there too long, especially when the rest of the ship was so very shiny. Or at least that's what Scotty claimed. Bones didn't much notice.

He'd hidden away in his office, trawling over medical records, blood results, sorting through medication and checking in with Dr Phlox with whom he'd been conversing ever since he had stepped foot on the Endeavour. Apparently he was close and Bones could positively taste the change in the wind. 

Of course he was so swept up that for a moment he didn't hear Jim but when he did he turned his head, wondering what in God's name would bring Jim down to the Sickbay voluntarily. And then it occurred to him that Jim was probably still with their Arthalian visitors so he fought against the urge he had to say nothing, pushing a breath out and then placing his PADD down on his desk. 

"I was busy doin' work," Bones pointed out as he wandered out of his office. "A CMO's work is never done, you oughta know that better than anyone."

“I know, man, but they wanted to come see you and I couldn’t say no, now, could I.” And then Jim gave a grin and Bones rolled his eyes. “See, this is the sickbay, I’m sure Bones could tell you all the boring stuff about it if you wanted but really we can get moving with the rest of the tour now you’ve seen him and-“

“Could we continue the tour with this one?” one of the delegates asked. “We wish for him to take us.”

Bones had his mouth half open to reply but then there was a finger on his jaw and strangely all thoughts of protest seemed to vanish and all he could do was swallow. What the hell? He felt a little lightheaded and this feeling persisted the more she touched. 

“Bones? Give you a tour? I don’t think so,” Jim said, tone familiar with how he was when he was being all Captainy whilst still trying to be nice towards their company. “He won’t wanna do that, will you, Bones. I bet you’re real busy.”

“I’m sure you’re not too busy for us, are you, Doctor McCoy?” 

And there was that blasted finger and Bones was pretty sure his heart rate had just quickened and reasons unbeknownst to him his mouth opened. "S'alright, Jim. I can give them the rest of the tour."

“Yeah, I know it’s a disappointment but maybe next time an- wait, what?” Jim was confused that much Bones could tell beyond the alien's distracting presence at his side. He should probably be more concerned about how easily he was giving in, but he was pretty sure he couldn't bring himself to care right now.

There was an appreciative, "Thank you, Doctor,” from the Arlathian as she rested her hand on Bones' shoulder, which just seemed to make the lightheaded feeling so much worse. 

“Bones… are you sure?” 

"Yeah," he murmured thickly and with a slow movement of his head in response to Jim's line of questioning as to whether or not he was okay with giving the aliens a tour. 

“Because I don’t mind giving them the rest of the tour. And you guys’ll be back tomorrow anyway-“

"I'm sure, Jim, " Bones persisted the moment the alien's eyes flashed. "Honestly, it's fine."

Absently Bones had noted the surrendering by Jim as he held up both hands then turned on his heel, leaving Bones alone with the strange glittering aliens who had the strangest effect on him. It was as though they took his good sense and threw it out of the nearest airlock.

He was quite effectively surrounded, the female on one side and the male on the other, and both were touching. 

"Your forehead wrinkles are really quite beautiful," the female Arlathian remarked as her fingertips ran across them. "I find them extremely pleasing."

"As do I," the male timed in.

Bones could feel a smart remark on the tip of his tongue but for some reason it felt as though he was trying to talk through a mouthful of chewing tobacco. His head was spinning and with each new touch he felt as though he was being lulled into some strange complacency. "I ain't never heard that before."

A soft tutting escaped both of the Arthalians and they murmured something else, soft and in another language that Bones really wished he spoke before they were hands on his wrists and he was being drawn away.

"Come, Doctor, we wish to see the rest of the ship."

"Uh, sure," Bones mumbled as he let himself be drawn as if he wasn't a grown man fully capable of making his own decisions. He knew this feeling, he felt drunk, but that wasn't possible. He hadn't touched a drop of liquor since he'd stepped foot back onto the Enterprise. Something wasn't right but as he gave thought to maybe pulling away the male Arthalian sealed his hand over Bones' neck and pressed his lips to his pulse, which, hell just swept Bones away all over again.

It occurred to Bones that the aliens weren't so much interested in the ship as they were in how he smelt, how he moved his forehead and what the strange roughened patches of skin on his hands were. The more they touched the less he had to say and he could barely think straight, especially as they took liberties they really shouldn't with the doctor who would normally rip somebody's head off for doing half of the things these aliens were.

It was round about the time the male Arthalian ran his lips over Bones' neck that Bones lost the battle which ultimately lost him the war on whereabouts his quarters were. "D deck, room 5," he remarked hoarsely and gruffly. He must have been pretty far gone because his Georgian accent was slipping out and making his words thicker.

"Take us there," the female purred against his ear.

And Bones tried, he really did try, to say no but he couldn't do anything but nod, beginning his disorientated walk towards his room. The movements all sort of blurred into soft words, confident touches and coaxing ministrations which had the doctor all but jello in the strange alien hands.

It was only as they rounded on his door that Bones became aware of what sounded like somebody's voice, instructing the aliens to step away from him. What the...?

“Alathian delegates, _guests_ of the USS-Enterprise, step away from Doctor McCoy.”

The female broke away and Bones felt a relief unlike any other before her thumb dragged him under again. Honest to God, what in the hell was going on? 

“Captain." 

Jim was here? Bones wondered why he couldn't see straight but if he squinted really long and hard he could make out Jim's form and those burning blue eyes. Hell, the boy was too pretty for his own good. And for a moment swept away in the pheromones he could picture a thousand dirty things he wanted to do to that man. "We’re most curious as to how you humans sleep.”

“You don’t want us to leave, do you, Doctor,” the male purred and Bones just gave a shake of his head but before he had a chance to say anything he was being pretty much ordered into his room by Jim. It was strange how even caught up in the aliens presence and whatever it was they were emitting that had Bones feeling fogged and half mad, compliant with damn alien requests Jim's voice still seemed able to pull a reaction from him, a nod being given as he dragged himself free. Into his room seemed like a good idea.

The aliens looked most disappointed as the doctor disappeared into his room before they turned to better regard the Captain and his men, but the door swished shut slowly behind the doctor, allowing him to hear the tail end of a conversation.

"Now, Ambassadors, would you kindly move in the direction of the shuttle bay? I'm only asking the once."

“We will not forget this, Captain."

“Neither will I. You manipulated a Starfleet Captain and intended on assaulting a member of my crew. You and your people will never be a part of the Federation as long as I’m around to remind them that you and your kind can’t be trusted.”

“Lieutenant Riley, don’t let them touch you, and get them the hell off my ship.”

Bones had heard the exchange but hadn't really taken in the nuances nor the feeling behind the words, especially as it did in fact feel as though his skin was crawling and unless he did something _now_ then he was going to explode. 

The Doctor crossed the room and sank onto the edge of his bed, leaning forward to clasp his hands together. He just needed to breathe, try and think calmly and rationally past whatever the hell it was driving him to the point of distraction and beyond. Hell, he felt like a boy going through puberty all over again. "Christ," he muttered roughly as he raked his fingers through his hair before sure enough he returned that hand to the other, inhaling then exhaling. He couldn’t hear much past the thudding of his pulse in his own ears, the ragged and harsh sounds of his own breath. He thought he could hear someone talking, two someones, maybe.   
_“…Do you want me to quote that exactly to the Arlathian embassy?”_  
“No, Spock. Paraphrase. Make it better. I’ve gotta look after Bones. I’ll be up to debrief you soon. Kirk out. Lights 75%.”   
And then the lights lifted and Bones flexed his hands, especially as he heard Jim's voice. “Bones?” 

"Mmm?" he murmured. 

“Only you, man," Jim teased. “You doin’ okay, Bones?”

Bones would have said something if not for that touch to his hands, nerve endings all but zeroing in on the contact, hyper alert and all too fucking sensitive. It didn't help that it was _Jim_ and Bones could smell his aftershave which made him want to bury his face against Jim's neck, open his mouth and- Woah, Bones caught himself and wet his lower lip, coaching himself to breathe and not do something really stupid.

At Jim's question about whether or not he was okay Bones let loose with a gruff laugh. "Nah, kid. I ain't doin' okay. I feel like I'm on fucking fire."

“What do you- I mean, do I gotta get you to sickbay? What do you need?” Jim's hand lifting to press against Bones' forehead. All this did was cause Bones to inhale a shaky breath. Jesus, why did such an innocent touch have such a detrimental effect on his ability to think straight? "You may wanna stop touching me," he finally muttered through his teeth. "It's- I mean, I can't-" 

Ah hell, Bones curled his hands in Jim's top and pulled him closer until he was fully immersed in the other man. It hadn't helped feeling Jim's skin against his own, not one little bit.

"Jesus," he mumbled thickly.

Bones' eyes cut to Jim's fingers as they curled around his wrists and he held them in his gaze before finally dragging his attention away, trying to desperately ignore the warmth creeping down the length of both arms from the touch of Jim's skin on his.

“Bones-“ Jim muttered, his own voice a little thicker than before, and there wasn't much that could stop Bones from focusing on it and feeling things he shouldn't, the very same urges he fought on a daily basis. "I think," he managed before his teeth caught his lower lip as Jim placed his hand on his chin. It was quite literally like throwing a match onto a pool of gasoline and Bones was utterly powerless. 

Clearing his throat he lifted dark eyes to Jim. "My heartbeat's elevated, I feel like I'm on fire, like my skin's crawling and all I can think about is-" Not that he finished that particular train of thought as he closed the distance, slanting his mouth over Jim's. In contrast to the kiss that Jim had given him on the Elysium this one was all languid and slow, a perfect balance of teeth and expert movements of the doctor's mouth. 

Truthfully Bones had been expecting to be pushed away considering he was sure he'd burned this particular bridge with Jim a real long time ago, the same bridge he hadn't even been aware he was standing on until to crumbled away underneath him. He made a slight noise when Jim kissed back and all he could think was _yesfuckingyes_ and it felt _right_ instead of all the wrong that he'd been feeling before.

Of course it didn't last because then Jim was pulling back at which point Bones made a sound of complaint. “Bones- Bo- Leo, we can’t do this.” 

Well, hell, he'd just used his Christian name. He must mean serious business and Bones, well, he was trying to focus past the fact he could taste Jim on his lips. Difficult to say the least. “Not right now. Not like this. Not that I don’t want to, because I do. But I’d rather do it when you’re not outta your mind on alien sex pheromones.” Then the asshole had to go and kiss his forehead and Bones groaned, eyes flickering and hands flexing restlessly.

"Well if that's the case," he managed in a drawl. "You're gonna have to knock me out."

“Otherwise we’ll have sex?” Jim asked, kissing Bones’ forehead again before he got to his feet. A hand was then offered. “It’s a tricky situation. Sex you probably won’t remember or putting you to sleep.” 

Bones eyed the hand and lifted an eyebrow slow. "Yeah, somethin' like that." Hell he could be quite forceful when he wanted to be, but as it was he pushed out a heated breath before closing a hand around Jim's as he used the grip to get to his feet.

“C’mon, Bones. You better at least be lying down.”

Bones raked his fingers through his hair again before kicking his boots off with the intent of clambering onto his bed, trying to calm his hurried breaths.

Jim soon disappeared into a crouch beside his bed and Bones turned his head to watch as the other man went rummaging for the medical kit that was never far from his reach even if it apparently eluded Jim's judging by the, “how far in did you shove this damn thing?”

He wet his lower lip and raked his fingers through his hair as he let his gaze travel over Jim's profile, eyes finding a focal point on the edge of his jaw.

“Fine, Bones, don’t answer me.” 

Bones hadn't really trusted himself not to say something really stupid in response to Jim's question so he'd settled for being silent, gaze flicking down to where Jim's teeth caught that lower lip that Bones knew he could catch if he leaned in just right. 

Ordinarily Bones was pure and utter filth in the bedroom with a slow drawl and commandeering hands, but under the effect of these alien sex pheromones he beyond the point of foreplay and well into the resulting feeling, desperate for release and all but begging for it. Normally he took great pleasure in taking his lovers apart bit by bit with the murmur of his words, the press of his tongue and the slow deliberate way he touched them, but he was too hot, too revved up.

Of course as Jim gave a cut off, "Jes-" due to his actions the doctor's mouth curled into a smile before he ran his nose along Jim's arm, mouth opening and closing around freckles and littered scars, the same ones that Bones had noticed when others hadn't bothered.

“Bones, I told you, if we’re gonna do this, you’re gonna be completely sober.” 

Not that it stopped Bones from pressing his face into Jim's neck.

“Because I’m not having you forget spending a night with me getting all down and dirty and stuff.”

Jim was cursing that much Bones recognised and he let loose with a rough chuckle as Jim muttered, "I did tell you to lie down, Bones. This ain’t gonna work if I sedate you whilst you’re making nice with my neck.” 

But then he was being pushed backwards onto the bed and the next thing he knew Jim had snuck a hypo into his neck with the words, "But if you still wanna do this, you can come find me" hanging between them and Bones wanted to open his mouth, correct Jim, but then the sedative in the hypo was pulling at his already abused consciousness.

“Don’t fight it, I’ll wait ’til you fall asleep.”

And there wasn't much of a fight left in Leonard McCoy as he slipped under.


	24. Stardate 2260.48

_Stardate 2260.48 - Twenty Six Days Since Returning To The Enterprise_

As per his Captain's orders Bones had been seeing the ship Counsellor who just so happened to be one of his good friends. Granted he was more than a little embarrassed after the whole alien sex pheromones incident, especially as he was pretty sure he'd made a total ass out of himself. His nurses had been giving him funny looks ever since it had happened and it was getting a little on the annoying side, especially as Jim whilst not avoiding him on a day to day basis had now stopped sneaking in to sleep in his bed. Which was, okay, it was weird. Mostly because it had always been a staple of their very long entirely weird friendship, but after the aliens it was like Jim had just withdrawn entirely.

Sometimes Bones felt like all he was doing was chasing his own tail.

"I'd really rather not talk about it," he drawled as Adelaide probed him about the alien encounter. "It's bad enough I made an ass outta myself without having to relive it." The worst thing of all was that Bones could remember a great deal of it, even the strained words of Jim, which he had been completely obsessing over and over until Bones was sure he was driving himself insane.

He cut his hazel eyes in the direction of the redhead. "Can we just drop it?"

"No," Adelaide said patiently, "We can't just drop it, and you know it. This sort of thing… whilst nothing happened, the fact that they tried-" She pressed her lips together, "It's unacceptable, Leo and you need to just- We need to cover it off. Never mind everything else that's happened recently that you still haven't dealt with." She was referring to the Elysium. She didn't need to say it.

She tilted her head. "Jim really wasn't happy when he worked out what happened," she offered leadingly. "How much of it do you remember?"

Too much Bones had concluded, especially as none of it did anything to help him. He shifted uncomfortably on what should have been a comfortable couch, but it was anything but. It was the shrink effect that much he was certain of. Even if Adelaide was a friend in this office she was a shrink. 

"Enough," Bones shared gruffly. "Enough to be completely embarrassed about my behaviour."

"It's not like you could have controlled what was happening, Leo," Adelaide reassured. "Embarrassment's pretty par for the course. Your higher instincts were suppressed, leaving only the more basic ones intact and bought them to the forefront. You're lucky that it was Jim that was with you." She leaned back in her chair, clearly hating how uncomfortable she was making him.

Oh, yeah, lucky. Ha! He'd come on stronger than a two bit whore walking some street corner in the middle of a heatwave. It was a miracle he could even look Jim in the eye, especially as Jim had kissed him with anger and Bones, well, he'd just laid it all out there now hadn't he what with the slow burning kiss he'd given him. 

She pressed her lips together. "Do you remember during your second year of the Academy, when that visiting dignitary screwed up my telepathy?" she asked. She'd been out of it for days, nearly lost her grip on sanity and it had taken dedicated time and effort from the two most important men in her life at that time - her best friend Joaquin and her boyfriend, Leonard McCoy - to pull her out of it. "What did you tell me then? When I came back to myself and just wanted to hide away in mortification at what had happened?"

"I told you that you had nothin' to be ashamed of and that it wasn't your fault so you shouldn't feel embarrassed." Easier said than done he might add. "I just- I came on strong, Adelaide. Too strong. And I just- I dunno what to do."

"And I remember how difficult it was for me to take you seriously, so let me tell you how much I understand, okay? But you were right then, and, subsequently, I'm right now." She wet her lower lip, flexed her fingers before she shifted restlessly on her chair.

She watched him for a few moments, the tense line of his shoulders before she shook her head. "What did he say to you, Leo? You said remember 'most of it', which in your language means that you remember the whole damn thing. So. What did he say?"

Bones pressed his lips into a thin line and he tipped his head back, blowing a breath out. "Said somethin' about how if were gonna do that then we were doin' it when I was sober and I could remember." 

"But the kid whilst not avoiding me has stopped sneaking into my room."

Adelaide pressed her lips together in an unconscious mimic of the movements of her friend and current patient, as it were. "Well firstly he's probably freaked out at his own reaction more than yours. And considering nothing happened and, this _is Jim_ we're talking about, he's probably over thinking it anyway." She tapped long fingers on the desk. "He'll come around, Leo, he always does. And maybe he thinks you need the space?"

They both knew, though, that Jim didn't do 'space' with the people he cared about. Hell, he didn't even give Adelaide space half the time and he was nowhere near as close to her as he was to the man he called 'Bones'.

"I'm sure he'll be sneaking in again soon enough. And then, maybe don't talk to him. Not about this anyway. You know how frightening he finds words." Her lips curled in the corners a little and she gave a soft, fond laugh.

"Jim doesn't do space," Bones pointed out. "It isn't his thing, but apparently he's startin' to grasp the concept." He flexed his hands around one another before he snorted. "I ain't planning on saying anythin' not if I can help it." Because yeah no he was never ever discussing the alien encounter ever again. 

Jesus, he really had made a fool out of himself.

Adelaide rolled her eyes. "That isn't what I was saying and you know it," she chastised. "This would have come out eventually, it's just a shame that it came out in a way that you couldn't completely control."

Bones grumbled under his breath and shifted uncomfortably again. "Yeah, well, shit happens." He shifted into a seated position, placing his feet on the deck and leaning forward to clasp his hands together.

"I ain't real good at this."

"I know, Leo," Adelaide soothed. "But you'll figure it out, you always do. And Jim- well, he'll come around. I promise. It's not like either of you sleep brilliantly alone anymore."

"And ain't that a recipe for disaster," Bones murmured as he rubbed a hand through his hair. Jim was the first and only person that Bones had well let as close as he had because not even his ex-wife had ever gotten this close, much to her chagrin.

He pushed a further breath out and straightened his shoulders in preparation for leaving her office.

Adelaide got to her feet quickly. "Stop it, Leo. You know as well as I do that this is going to work. It's- You're both so hurt from the past that it takes a lot to move forward. The fact that he didn't do anything this time? Speaks volumes for how much he really does care for you. And believe you me when I say that the bloody idiot was the most insufferable bastard I've ever seen when you were off doing your thing on the Endeavour and the Elysium. And that had nothing to do with the boredom he was feeling due to our passage through an uneventful quadrant."

Bones looked up as Adelaide rose to her feet and he flexed his hands restlessly again. "I think right now you're the only one that thinks that, Adelaide." He wet his lower lip and shook his head. "He's still not forgiven me for leaving in the first place an' I keep trying, it's not like I'm not." And honestly how many more times did a man get rebuffed before starting to think that maybe just maybe he should call it quits?

"I just need to clear my head," he affirmed, "Try an' think rationally about this,"

"Just give him a little more time," Adelaide offered, almost like a plea. "Leo, he's the stupidest, dumbest idiot I've ever met alongside being the most brilliant. And he's such a capable Captain. He just needs to learn-" she cut herself off. "He needs to learn that it's okay to trust. I don't know his history, Leo, I don't even think you know it all, but I think trust is a big thing for him and you're doing everything right to get that back, just- Keep doing what you're doing. He'll come around. I promise."

"I broke his trust when I left," Bones remarked with a shake of his head. "I had my reasons and they were valid. Still are. But he ain't never gonna forgive me for that. An' I'm not sure he should." He rose to his feet slowly and grimaced as his bones themselves seem to hurt. Hell, he really was getting old, wasn't he?

Bones rubbed a hand over the side of his neck. "Not that it's gonna stop me trying to be his friend."

Adelaide reached out, touched Bones' face with one hand, cupping his cheek. "He'll forgive you," she said confidently, softly, "But you need to forgive yourself for leaving too. You can't keep blaming yourself for what happened when you left nor the act of leaving in itself."

Bones looked over at Adelaide as she touched his face. "Easier said than done, Doc." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek before he withdrew, shifting how he was holding his shoulders so there was less of a slump as he exited her office. 

It was about time he starting thinking with some sense and stop letting his heart and gut determine his actions. He needed to be a little more Vulcan and a lot less human, it was the only way he was going to survive Jim Kirk.


	25. Stardate 2260.53

_Stardate 2260.53 - Thirty One Days Since Returning To The Enterprise_

There was no alarm, not this early in the morning, and Jim carefully pushed himself upright, into a seated position and raked his fingers through his hair, breathing through his nose. Planting his hands on the bed, he nodded to himself, intending to get up, body tensed to do so, unaware of the rousing doctor behind him.

"An' where do you think you're going?" The voice was soft, still heavy with sleep and the Georgian accent thicker than it had any right to be. He'd woken at the time that Jim had started to shift, trying to escape the same way he had for countless years. Honestly, Bones' patience was at an end and its frayed state made him ask the question he did. 

He waited, watching Jim closely and intently, trying to make a judgement on what to do next.

"How come you’re awake?” Jim asked instead of answering, not looking over his shoulder for a few long moments before he turned his head. He raked his fingers through his hair again. “’s not like you gotta get to sickbay.”

And Bones made a decision, it was stupid, rash and completely unlike him, but it was a decision for better or worse. He sat up slowly and reached around, capturing Jim's face in both hands before he leaned in, sealing his mouth over the other man's in a slow definitely not at all driven by sex pheromones kiss. 

Hell, it was now or never.

And Bones? He didn't want to go to his grave knowing he'd never been brave enough.

Jim let out a muffled sound against Bones’ lips as their mouths met and he shifted, a twisting of his hips and movement of his legs that gave away a certain degree of flexibility. He lifted the hand that wasn’t bracing his weight on the bed and touched warm skin, not fevered, just warm, touch skating down a well defined chest to twist in the fabric that covered Bones’ hip.

He broke the kiss to breathe and looked at the doctor for a long moment, like he was trying to puzzle him out, that same intense look he gave a particularly difficult, challenging puzzle, though his tongue darted out over his lower lip and he didn’t let go.

“Bones-“ the younger started, leaning forward to finish his sentence with another kiss, teeth catching on the other man’s lower lip gently, letting the kiss say all the things he knew Jim couldn’t.

When it was clear that Jim wasn't pushing him away Bones let one hand explore, long fingers slipping through the dirty blond hair and curling around the back of the other man's neck. The grip there tightened, pulling Jim that much closer, a sound escaping him when Jim's hand touched skin - his skin - and then stopped at the material at his hips.

Of course then the kiss broke and all Bones could do was breathe, watch Jim from behind dark hazel eyes and through his lashes. Not for the first time in knowing Jim the older man reflected on how fucking beautiful he was even as broken and scarred as he was he was still so fucking perfect. 

As Jim kissed him again Bones made a further sound, focusing on pouring everything he had into that kiss, just so Jim would know exactly how he felt and that everything Jim was telling him through his lips alone was reciprocated. He soon broke away but only so his mouth could begin a slow deliberate movement along Jim's jaw, teeth latching on.

"Jim," he murmured thickly before his mouth slid towards his neck. "Always thought you'd taste pretty good but I think I may have underestimated just how good." And as if proving his point he took this moment to bite down on the juncture where Jim's neck met his shoulder.

“ _Always thought_ , huh, Bones?” he asked, running his fingers up over Bones’ bare chest, blunted nails and fingers raking through the dark strands of Bones’ hair to try and draw him back for another kiss. “Glad I don’t disappoint.”

Bones resisted the urge he had to roll his eyes at Jim's teasing remark before he huffed out a hot breath, ignoring his body's traitorous reaction to Jim's touch. Especially as he'd envisioned all the things he would do to Jim if he got the half the chance and none of them involved rushing this. 

Not that he resisted Jim's demand for another kiss but as he did so he placed a hand on Jim's hip and used that to drag him closer, fingers splaying before sliding around to fist in the material of Jim's t-shirt at the curve of his back.

The display of strength was ordinarily hidden by layers of material but as he currently had no top on it was difficult to miss.

Jim chuckled against Bones’ lips as the kissing was happening again and let himself get pulled closer, ending up straddling one of Bones’ thighs, already embarrassingly turned on by the whole situation, Bones could see it in the high flush on his cheeks, the way his mouth was open just a fraction as his hips rocked forward. In the way that his tongue darted out over his lower lip as his knee shifted against Bones’ groin, causing them both to arch upwards a little. It was hard to focus past those hands as they wandered over the exposed skin, down the length of Bones’ arms before he pushed up over his shoulders, skating down his sides, fingers and touch exploring to try and learn Bones’ body.

“Strong and silent type, huh?” he asked, because Jim always had to fill the silence, it was his thing. “That’s still surprising to me, I guess, figured you’d be talker.” 

"You really have no idea," Bones murmured as his hands skated over Jim's side and he shifted his knee just to get the same sound out of Jim as he'd made before. "I ain't talking 'cause I'm busy gettin' to know you." He ducked his head, sealing his lips over Jim's neck again, this time biting down hard enough to leave a slight mark behind. "Already figured out you've got a sensitive neck an' m'taking my time to make sure you feel really fucking good. So good you won't want nobody else but me touching you."

And with that Bones pushed Jim backwards into the bed until he straddled the other man, dragging his fingers over Jim's sides before he curled in the material of his t-shirt. "This needs to come the fuck off 'cause I sure as shit don't have enough of you to explore." He pushed it upwards before following it with the movement of his mouth. Jim arched up into the touches, his own hands moving up over Bones' arms, touch dragging and exploring.

“I’ll take it off, but you gotta promise you won’t tease,” Jim said, voice calm but underneath there was a tone of desperation. He sat up a little, effectively stopping the path of Bones’ lips, hesitating for barely a moment before he was just still, allowing for hands - _hands_ , not lips - to remove his t-shirt. “You gonna blow my mind, Bones?” he asked with a grin, cocky even now.

Perfection was overrated least it was in Bones' world, for every scar and puckered mark on Jim's body he wanted to firstly maim and torture the person that had put them there and then secondly learn them inside and out as they all made up this man that despite everything still saw everything sunnsyide up.

"Teasing is half the fun," Bones muttered with a rough timbre to his voice, a slow husky drawl which reverberated across Jim's skin as he bit, sucked and curled his tongue before finally sitting back on his heels when Jim gave permission for that t-shirt to be removed.

Bones did this but not before he rolled his hips and exerted just the right amount of pressure so Jim would feel him and he'd feel Jim. Of course it nearly backfired as the sensation alone sent a ripple of pleasure shooting up his spin. Holy fucking hell. 

Thankfully he recovered and as he did he planted both hands either side of Jim before he arched his back, slanting his mouth over Jim's to give him by far the filthiest kiss he'd ever been given, teeth and tongue working in perfect unity. It was all Jim could do to kiss back, tensing his stomach to keep himself upright as he buried his fingers in Bones’ hair, giving as good as he got, teeth catching on a lower lip and tugging, soothing the sting with his own tongue as his fingers curled around short strands. He wasn’t giving up easily, and even though it caused the kiss to falter slightly, he rocked his hips up again, groaning against the older man’s mouth.

"An' for the record," he murmured. "I fully intend on blowing your mind. Hell, I even intend blowing you if given the opportunity. Gonna wrap my mouth around you and take you to pleasure and beyond, kid."

He bared his teeth in a feral grin before sure enough he was working his way down Jim's chest with slow deliberate movements, sucking the occasional mark before doing the exact same to one of Jim's hips.

When those lips reached his hips, Jim’s fingers twisted in the sheets. “Fuck- Bones-“ he arched up into the bite. His body bucked up a little, hands reaching out, sliding up the desceptively muscular arms, touch dragging over the skin to push through that already mussed hair, messing the strands up more just because apparently he could do that now.

Jim's voice it could cut him to the quick it really could, especially the rawness in the way the other man gasped his name, but Bones had a goal and that was to take James Tiberius Kirk apart, piece by piece, then put him back together just as slowly. This was far more than just a quick fuck, this was something else entirely and he wanted Jim to understand the distinction. 

Of course the hands on his arms were not helping his composure any, especially as blunt nails dragged over skin and then pushed into his hair. Of course when Jim started along the lines of “Can’t you just- _fuck_ \- Where’d you learn to talk like that?” Bones lips curled and he swirled his tongue around the now thoroughly marked hipbone.

"There's a lot 'bout me that you don't know," he shared in a low rumble. "Like how I intend on taking you apart bit by bit, curl my tongue in places and use my mouth in all the ways you've never thought me capable." And as if to prove his point he caught the edge of Jim's underwear with the tip of one finger, pulling on it before letting the elastic snap back into place with a sharp sting.

He dragged his teeth over it soon after. "M'thinking m'gonna start slow, so slow you're gonna be beggin' for more by the time I'm done." His fingers soon curled in the dark material and his head lifted, eyes heavy and filled with lust, but at the same time there was another unspoken emotion there. 

And as if to prove his point he caught the edge of Jim's underwear with the tip of one finger, pulling on it before letting the elastic snap back into place with a sharp sting. The simple movement sent another surge through Jim’s body, the younger man arching into the ministrations. His hips lifted when fingers pulled down on the underwear, too turned on to feel embarrassed at how fucking needy he sounded.

“I don’t beg, Bones,” Jim muttered tightly, tugging on the man’s hair a little, because he didn’t, he had more pride than that. Bones noticed how Jim shifted, made it harder to pull off his underwear. Bones just tugged again, needing to see more, to have more bared for him to explore. Now they’d started, he wasn’t entirely sure he’d ever be able to stop. “Are you gonna-“ he lifted his hips again to let his underwear be pulled free, the action caused flushed cheeks to darken. 

"Gonna make you forget your own name, Jim." 

“Promises, promises. When’re we getting to the good stuff?” he asked with a lift of his eyebrow, having gained enough composure to look up at Bones and grin, even though his eyes were huge and pupils blown, flush high on his cheeks and already the faint beading of sweat across his forehead and temples.

Bones tossed the underwear somewhere over his shoulder, not really caring because Jim wouldn't have need of it for a really long time, not if he had his way. "Mmm, you just wait an' see," Bones said with an odd kind of confidence which Jim would not have seen because he'd never seen Bones in the bedroom. He pushed the flat expanse of his palm over Jim's stomach before he ducked his head, running his lips over the inside of Jim's thigh, closing his teeth around it at the very last second. 

"Oh, we're gettin' there," he muttered roughly against Jim's skin. "But I ain't rushing nothin' not when I've been thinking 'bout this for as long as I can remember." He soon dragged his blunt nails of his other hand over Jim's hip before they dug in just as Bones' tongue curled for the first time, catching on some very sensitive nerve endings before sure enough down went his head and along with it his mouth. 

Sex was more than just sex, it was foreplay, build up and subsequent release.

Bones had long ago mastered the art and was plying his skills on Jim's gorgeous previously unattainable body, slipping that much further down until Jim was surrounded in full by the Georgian's mouth. Jim's fingers twisted in the sheets. 

He groaned Bones’ nickname again, long and low, the sound torn from his chest, ragged and raw, as Bones’ mouth surrounded him completely and he squeezed his eyes closed. He wet his lower lip, head pressed into the pillows like he could disappear into them if he just tried hard enough. Bones made a responding sound when Jim groaned his nickname causing several tremors around what was an already sensitive part of Jim's body, his fingertips skating over Jim's hips and curling more firmly until callouses were pressed against the other man's skin. 

Drawing in a sharp breath through his nose, Jim’s fingers tapped against the sheets, stomach tense with the self control required not to reach down, to fuck upwards, to keen for just _more_. He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to regain some semblance of control over himself. He was obviously already having trouble. Good.

His movements were slow agonisingly slow but it was as if the good Doctor was taking the time to map the entire length, pausing as he reached the base before giving a slow indecent movement of his mouth - which earned him a satisfying “ _Fuck’s sake, Bones-_ ” and a needy keening sound - before there was a rhythm established which formed a hot wet heat that sought to bring Jim close to the brink. 

The hands on Jim's hips tightened to the point where Bones' fingertips turned white and he was sure as hell leaving crescent shaped marks behind, but these were eased by a movement of his thumbs, The same movements which encouraged Jim to move, encouraged those hips to fuck upwards into his mouth. When there was a rhythm established, Jim’s hips twitched in time with the gentle ministrations from those thumbs against his skin, feeling branded in more ways than one by the press of nails against him as his hips lifted, arching into the warmth and curl of that tongue against him.

He opened his eyes briefly and then lifted his arm, covering his eyes with his forearm, turning his face into his bicep as he felt pressure building at the base of his spine, breath already coming in shorter, sharper gasps, ragged already just from the movements of Bones’ mouth.

Bones could tell that Jim was restless in the way he was cursing and twisting his fingers in the sheets and it would have caused a smile to from on Bones' mouth if it wasn't otherwise preoccupied. His breathing came out sharp and hot because for as much as he was taking Jim apart the other man was doing a hell of a number on Bones' self control.

“C’mon-“ he moaned. His voice had a thread to it, a desperation and wanton need that seemed so unfitting for the normally cocky Captain. His other hand was still fisted in the sheets, arm taut, muscles at attention as his white-knuckled grip unsettled the regulation bedding. “Bones- BonesBones-“ Bones knew that he should quicken his movements, which he did, with complete ease. His mouth rapidly moving as it continued to move at a set pace, tongue curling each and everytime he hit either base or tip. His fingers sliding over Jim's hips and claiming his sides, tightening and encouraging Jim to be as wanton as he wanted to be because truth be told it was fucking sexy.

 

A hollowing of Bones' cheeks accompanied a slow purposeful move his mouth which allowed Jim to feel the entirety of Bones' mouth and throat. Jim's hips moved in a slightly less ordered rhythm, more ragged in time with the shuddering breaths he was forcing into his lungs.

“ _Bones_ ,” he groaned again, the words a long, drawn out moan on the vowels as his hips twitched and jerked up wards, breath catching with each curl of that tongue against him. He started mumbling Bones’ name, both nickname and real - shortened to Leo - which was hitched and desperate as his hips fucked upwards in shorter and shorter increments, faster as that tongue and those hands just tore him to shreds.

He came with barely any warning and a strangled, cut off yell of Bones’ name, hiding his face in his bicep again, biting at his own arm like that would keep him quiet as his orgasm rushed over him like a tidal wave.

Bones could not deny how hot the way his nickname sounded when rolling off Jim's tongue in the way that it was, all dragged out and nothing but a sound towards the very end. His intention had been to take Jim to pleasure and beyond but somewhere along the way Jim had dragged him right along with him, especially as the man came with little warning and all Bones could do was ride it through to the very end, hands on Jim's hips and mouth compensating for the jerky unpredictable movements.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He worked Jim through his orgasm and broke away only when he needed to know, swallowing and running the edge of his thumb across his lower lip as he could taste _Jim_. Ordinarily he didn't much care for the taste of semen, but this time around he didn't really even notice. Barely even noticed the ache in his jaw. "Anybody ever tell you," he drawled as he crawled his way back up Jim's body and sealed his mouth over his in a searing kiss. Jim was too fucked out to do much other than kiss back, burying his fingers in Bones’ hair, licking the taste of himself out of the other man’s mouth. "How fuckin' hot you are when you come?" 

“’s not like I do a lot of talking,” Jim muttered breathlessly against Bones’ lips, reacting instinctively to Bones’ touches, almost letting the man move him around and change how he was lying without even thinking about it. His eyes fluttered a little. “Mostly the-“

He smoothed his hand over Jim's hip and curled it around the back of his thigh, smoothing his calloused fingertips over that particular bit of skin. He was touching because he could and he'd wanted to for so long now. "Love the way you say my name when you're all fucked out an' breaking open." By now Bones was in deep, his southern accent drawling out filth like butter wouldn't melt, teeth catching on Jim's ear and tongue curling causing the younger man to gasp.

“‘m not fucked out yet, Bones,” Jim managed hoarsely, through gritted teeth. He let his touch slide down to Bones’ waist where those sleeping pants were sitting snug against his skin and, after less than a second’s hesitation, he pushed his fingers underneath the band, one hand slipping inside to cup Bones’ backside, the other hand curling around Bones, turning his head slightly to bite down at the curve of Bones’ neck at the same time as his hand moved slowly, twisting ever so slightly when his touch reached the head.

He let out another soft sound, almost a purr as he licked and sucked at the spot he’d just bitten. “Because there’s not been any fucking.” 

Bones made an appreciative sound for the hands in his hair and the curl of Jim's tongue against his own before his breath caught the moment one of Jim's hands latched onto his backside and the other slipped around, taking him in hand and Bones gave a soft raspy chuckle. "You got a point there," he shared against Jim's ear before his hips eased into the pace set by Jim's skilled hand and briefly he wondered how many times the other man had-

No, not thinking about that, not right now.

To squash his wayward thoughts Bones crushed his mouth against Jim's and pushed his hands into Jim's hair, nails dragging and fingertips lightly massaging their way over his scalp. "'Cause I can guarantee you one thing, Jim." His voice was huskier, heavier with complete need and want, especially as Jim was still working his hand over him. "When it comes to the fucking you are sure as hell gonna remember it." 

Bones groaned and bit down on Jim's already swollen lip, pushing his tongue into the other man's mouth as he rolled his hips, completely surrendering himself to Jim's touch. Jim adjusted the position of his hand, adding a slight twist and the brush of his thumb against those nerves each time his hand moved up. 

Bones let out a few choice words in a thick drawl as Jim marked him because fuck that was hot, but two could play at that game. He locked his fingers around Jim's neck then dropped his head, opened his mouth and bit down on Jim's pulse. "Promises, promises, Bones,” Jim purred which made Bones' cheek flush with colour before his eyes darkened a touch. Cheeky sonofabitch that he was, could do with somebody proving him wrong about something for once.

"Ain't an empty one if you can follow through," he mumbled after having disengaged his teeth and sliding a thumb over the rapidly bruising skin. His hips soon keened when Jim changed what it was he was doing with his hand, encouraging Bones to join him in the bliss of oblivion and truthfully it wouldn't take that long. Bones had spent how long making Jim come apart but had also done a number on himself, especially with the way Jim had just broken wide open. 

He groaned Jim's name and then pushed out a heated breath, a sheen of sweat on his forehead and pooling in the hollow of his neck, muscles straining and body just surging into and retreating before repeating the movement over and over until sure enough the doctor came apart, Jim's name a prayer on his lips and his hands marking, claiming and possessing as he rode through the first wave of pleasure that he'd had in a really really long time.

 

“Still gotta prove that to me, Leo,” he breathed hotly as Bones gripped at him, hands moving restlessly over Jim’s skin and, to his credit he only stiffened once when Bones’ thumb brushed over the scar that wrapped over his lower ribs on his left side. He withdrew his hand and licked his fingers clean. 

Bones let loose with a further rough chuckle before he cupped the back of Jim's head, claiming his mouth as if it had always been his to have, hold and possess. He soon ran his hands lower until the full expanse of both hands were firmly wrapped around Jim's inner thighs before he without hesitation spread the other man wide open. God he looked perfect like this, all spread out and inviting. 

"Question is," he muttered gruffly as he caught Jim's lower lip with his teeth. "Who is fucking who?" He ran his lips over Jim's jaw and then latched his teeth onto the other man's ear, nibbling and sucking oh so purposefully. "See I have this fantasy." The words were said slowly, deeply and with full drawl on each and everyone. Bones had caught on to the fact that Jim seemed to enjoy the litany of filth which had escaped him thus far and who was he to disappoint?

Besides he wanted Jim to remember this, from now until the end, however long they had together.

"It involves me fucking you to within an inch of your life," Bones purred as he dragged his fingers around, letting them skate along until one such hand cupped Jim's backside. "So much so that you feel it for days after an' each time you sit in that fancy Captain's chair of yours all you can think 'bout is me inside of you."

Bones hissed out a breath as Jim sunk fingers into his hair and pulled his head back, tugging on those dark strands. He regarded Jim through his dark lashes, seeing the trust and wanton need in those big ol’ baby blues and the hand on Jim's backside tightened to the point where fingertips could be felt, like he was digging into the skin with his touch. 

“You wanna fuck me so hard I can’t concentrate, Bones?” he asked, unable to shake the tremor in his voice, unable to disguise the fact that fuck, fuck yes he wanted that. “You wanna know that when I’m sat in that chair, talking to some delegate, all I’m thinking about is you fucking me into the bed?” His eyebrow twitched, knowing full well he’d lost control of this, and he was strangely okay with that.

Now Jim had incredible eyes, Bones had always thought that, but right now they were fucking amazing. If he wasn't careful he was going to get very distracted by staring at Jim thinking how goddamn beautiful the other man was. "Exactly," he rumbled against Jim's mouth as he slid between Jim's legs. "I wanna fuck you so hard that you ain't never gonna be able to forget the way I feel inside of you." 

He passed his hands over the inside of Jim's thighs again before cupping his backside with both hands, dragging him that much closer until sure enough they were pressed against one another. It caused him to groan against Jim's mouth. "Bet you feel good," he purred as his mouth once again ventured south, sucking a mark into Jim's collarbone. "So fuckin' good."

 

“Quit thinking about it and just do it then,” he muttered impatiently, a slight expression of nervousness flickering across his face, blunted nails dragging through Bones’ hair, against his scalp. “Don’t you wanna know what it feels like? ‘m right here, Bones.” He shuddered at the bruising mark on his collarbone, letting his other hand drift down Bones’ body, frowning when he reached Bones’ waist. “Man, why are you still wearing your underwear? Get it off, c’mon, that’s not f-fair.”

Bones whilst heady with desire could recognise a nervous look when he saw one and it didn't take much for him to put two and two together, his stomach tightening in response. Fuck, just fuck. Okay then he had to make sure he did this right then because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Jim and make this first time something he wanted to forget. 

"You want it off," Bones muttered against Jim's neck. "Then take it off, you've got hands. 'Less I pin them to the bed, but that'll come later." And with his teeth bared he eased his hand over Jim's backside before sliding his fingers along the space between one cheek and the other, lightly pressing down with the intent of working him open.

Jim needed to be fully relaxed and at ease before Bones closed the distance, he wouldn't be that way unless Bones took the care to make sure that he was. "Gonna make you feel good," he mumbled against Jim's ear as he took it in his mouth again. "So fuckin' good." And in slipped his thumb before Bones soothed away any potential sting by catching Jim's mouth in a slow passionate kiss, one that was slow burning and spoke volumes for how he felt.

And with his teeth bared he eased his hand over Jim's backside before sliding his fingers along the space between one cheek and the other, lightly pressing down and Jim reacted almost instantly, surprise and the weirdest sense of panic before he calmed himself down and lifted his head to just look at the curve of Bones’ jaw, letting that just calm him down. 

“I don’t doubt it, Bones. So c’mon, fuck me already.”

"In good time, kid," Bones shot back with a grin as he ran his lips over Jim's jaw. "Ain't nobody ever taken the time with you before?" He gave a tut and shook his head "Pity that 'cause they missed out on seeing how fucking beautiful you are." 

As he was busy peppering kisses on Jim's skin and murmuring thick indecent things his thumb eased that much further in before it was joined by a second finger, spreading and moving, teeth distracting Jim from any possible pain that might be resulting from Bones' ministrations. 

"'Cause you really fucking are," Bones murmured as he reached around to claim Jim's wrist in his hand, pressing the other man's hand into the bed before he ran his lips over his arm, biting down gently as a third finger slid in.

 

Jim's other hand slid up and down the length of Bones’ back, squeezing his backside before letting his touch lift again, settling at the back of Bones’ neck. “‘m not beautiful, Bones,” he muttered uncomfortably.

He took in a slow breath, utilising some of that legendary willpower to relax his lower body against what it was perceiving as an invasion. “Got any lube?” he asked, lifting his head to kiss Bones’ jaw, teeth catching on the curve.

"Yeah, you are," Bones muttered with a certainty to his voice that left no room for question, it was the same tone he got when he was doctoring. "Top drawer," he answered a moment later, his voice huskier than it was a moment before because Jim was rocking down against his fingers. 

Jim muttered a sulky ‘I’m not’ before he was reaching for the top draw, body stretching as he twisted a little to get it. Bones then focused on easing his fingers into a set rhythm as well separating them to better prepare Jim because it would hurt less this way. He dropped his mouth to Jim's chest, mouth seeking out a nipple and tongue curling there before his teeth nipped.

“‘m also clean, but ‘m guessing y-ngh- you already know that.”

Bones' hand flexed around Jim's wrist as the other remained steadfast in its movements.

“Bones,” he gritted out, pushing the lube down the bed, “Are you gonna fuck me or not?” he asked, straining against the hand that was holding him down against the bed. He rocked down again, trying to just do something to make the man get a fucking move on.

"I ain't fucking you until I'm sure you're good an' ready," Bones growled as he added a fourth finger and delved that much deeper, letting his tongue curl around Jim's nipple all over again as that had the desired effect. 

He soon shifted the angle of which his fingers were inside of Jim, nails dragging over the other man's arm before he nudged at Jim's jaw with his nose, Jim's head tilting compliantly with the nudge. "An' if you don't shut the hell up an' stop tryin' to boss me around I won't have any choice but to tie you to this bed and make you come over an' over with only my tongue until you're good an' ready for me to fuck you."

Filth pure unadulterated filth.

Jim let out a rough laugh, hips pressing down again because Bones wasn’t prepping him fast enough. “What can I say, Bones,” he continued, like he was testing the waters, trying to see how far he could push this, “I’m the Captain, aren’t you s’posed to li-mm-sten to me?” He grinned, meeting Bones’ eyes with his own, biting his lower lip as he rolled his hips in time with the movement of Bones’ fingers, sort of fucking himself on the doctor’s hand.

 

“Tying me down wouldn’t shut me up, though,” he added, voice trembling a little with just the thought of being tied down, his pupils even wider than before - if that were possible - and the flush on his cheeks darkened at the thought. “But that can come later, now for the fucking, Bones.” Impatience, thy name was Jim Kirk.

"Would if I gagged you," Bones shot back with a slow dirty smile. He cast his eyes downwards, his composure faltering a little as Jim basically fucked himself on his hand. Goddamn, this boy was going to be the death of him, he really was. 

He dragged his teeth up Jim's chest and sealed them around his lower lip, pulling it into the warmth of his mouth, curling his tongue around the other man's before he unceremoniously pulled Jim's thigh upwards, positioning it over his hip whilst shifting Jim so when he did finally fuck him the angle of which would be less painful and far more pleasurable.

“Aw, but then you’d not be able to hear me talking,” Jim retorted playfully, though his voice rough with desire and the need he was still sort of refusing to voice. The tube of lube was pressed against the younger man’s hip, on the bed, a cool promise of what was to come. “Don’t you wanna get to the good stuff?” he asked, managing somehow to affect a pout even though he looked truly fucked out already. “And you’re not naked yet, Bones, I can’t get your pants off you since you’re ho-mnguh-holding me down. You’re gonna haveta do it yourself, man. And let me watch. Before you fuck me. Because the fucking really needs to happen soon,” he twisted hips a bit, rocked down a bit more purposefully, snagging Bones’ lips in a kiss. “Come on, ‘m way past ready.”

"Such a shame," Bones shot back to Jim's playful retort before dropping his mouth to Jim's neck, biting down and sucking slow, the movements singleminded and determined to leave behind a full purpling mark. 

Granted Jim had a point about his pants and Bones reluctantly leaned back which included removing his hard working fingers and he bit his lower lip as Jim's body seemed to react in a way that made Bones' pulse race. For all his teasing he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out, especially as Jim looked fucked out already and Bones just wanted to lose himself in the other man.

He soon snagged his thumb in the waistband of his pants, using this grip to drag them down, deliberately slowly and with a smile that was utterly sinful. It would seem that Leonard McCoy was something of an animal in the bedroom, but there was something to be said for being able to surprise folk, especially Jim Kirk.

When Bones pulled back, Jim pushed himself up onto his elbows to watch the older man undress in front of him, eyes raking in the muscles of Bones’ chest and how they worked as those hands pushed those trousers down sinfully slowly. He looked as debauched and impatient as a whore in heat.

 

“Bones,” he whined, wriggling a little on the bed, pretty much ready to climb the fucking walls for a good fucking at this point in time. “Will you get nake-“ he wet his lower lip, eyes falling on the sharp cut of Bones’ hip bone, fingers twitching on the sheets.

He breathed out through his nose, “C’mon, man,” he mumbled thickly, heady with lust and desire and fucking wanton with the need of Bones back on top of him already. “I really need you to be fucking me right now.” He thought he’d been patient so far. He even moved to sit up like he was going to help.

Well that was definitely what Bones had been waiting for, that distinct whine to Jim's voice and he tutted under his breath, placing his hand on Jim's chest and pushing him back into the bed. "I can do it just fine on my own," he murmured and sure enough off came the pants until he was buck naked the same way he'd been the day he was brought into this world.

It didn't take long for him to slip between Jim's legs again, a groan being ripped out of his chest at the sensation alone because Jesus H Christ, it was a far cry from everything he'd imagined, but only because nothing his imagination could conjure up definitely didn't live up to the actual reality. 

He reached for the lube and twisted the lid off with a skillful movement of his thumb. "You gonna feel good, Jim?" He asked, placing a slow searching kiss on the other man's mouth. 

He saw Jim glance down at the lube as it was opened with one hand, reaching up to curl his fingers in Bones’ hair as he was kissed, being nothing short of demanding that the kiss be sped up.

“Bones,” Jim breathed raggedly, lifting his leg again, hooking it over Bones’ hip in a pretty clear indication of what needed to be happening, lifting his hips wantonly and fuck if it wasn’t becoming harder and harder to keep thinking about teasing the kid more, “it’s gonna be fucking amazing, just get a _move_ on,” he bit at Bones’ lower lip, holding it between his teeth and tugging impatiently. “Pl-“ He caught himself before he actually begged, dropping his head back into the sheets. 

Bones was pretty sure he saw stars the moment Jim's leg curled right _there_ and he totally fumbled with getting at the lube because how in the hell was he meant to think straight when Jim's leg was curled around him and his teeth just so happened to be on his lower lip. Granted, he soon recovered, slicking himself up and tossing the lube to one side, before a hand eased beneath Jim's leg. "I don't think I heard you," he muttered roughly as his hand slid that leg ever higher as he settled his weight in preparation for the next.

He was a fucking saint that much he knew because this whole tease was taking all his goddamn willpower. 

The touch against his skin had Jim’s breath catching, a groan in the back of his throat. He looked up, catching Bones’ eyes with his own. “Fuck- Bones-just-“ he swallowed, hips lifting and rocking down a little, the action making his own eyes flutter shut, “ _Please_ -“ He twisted his fingers in the doctor’s hair, pulling him in for another kiss, “-fuck me already.” 

There was an answering groan as Bones gave everything to that kiss, everything he'd ever felt or thought about Jim, it all came flooding out in that kiss. Complete and total abandon, And as he tangled his tongue around Jim's he closed the distance and sunk into the other man, eyes rolling and breath stuttering somewhere in the back of his throat before he dropped his head to rest against Jim's shoulder, just trying to compose himself.

"Fuck," he blew out hotly. 

Bones then shifted his hips until he was better position, allowing him to seek a rhythm that would ease Jim as well as hold the fraying edges of his control together because he reminded himself that he couldn't just fuck Jim into the mattress, not at first anyways. 

As they kissed and Jim met each move of Bones’ lips with one of his own, pressing up into the kiss, all passion and need and want but it broke when Bones pushed into him and Jim gritted his teeth against the initial burn. He rolled his hips experimentally, hand at the base of Bones’ neck as the other man breathed out a ragged “Fuck” against his skin.

When Bones’ hips shifted, Jim’s breath came in a sharp jolt and he reflexively tightened his thigh where it was resting at Bones’ hip, groan ripping from his chest as Bones slowly started to move. He wet his lower lip, and gripped Bones’ shoulder, slowly starting to roll his own hips in time with the movements that Bones was making, using the leg he had hooked over Bones’ hip as leverage to help him move, keep Bones close.

The burn was easing with each roll of hips, but Jim wanted more. He turned his head, teeth catching the edge of Bones’ ear, tongue soothing any sting before he muttered, “C’mon, Bones, I know you wanna make me feel it.” He tensed his lower body almost experimentally, face a picture of mock innocence. 

Bones hissed in a breath when Jim's teeth latched on the edge of his ear before that ridiculously talented tongue was doing the most sinful things causing Bones' rhythm to flatter as he pushed a breath out of an otherwise tight chest. "Well," he drawled, accent thick and rough around the edges. "You'd be right 'bout that." He ducked his head, latched his teeth around Jim's pulsepoint and sucked until sure enough the skin was purpling and it would be impossible to miss. "Wanna fuck you so hard that you won't be able to sit down for a week without thinkin' 'bout me inside you." 

Several more dirty remarks escaped the good doctor's mouth about how he wanted to see Jim all fucked out and how he was going to make him feel so fucking good that he wouldn't ever want anybody else, lips claiming skin as their own as he mumbled the southern slurs against Jim's skin. A hand soon dragged over Jim's side, nails leaving marks before sure confident fingers latched around the younger man's thigh where he pulled until sure enough the angle shifted and it didn't take long for his thrusts to become harder, deeper and far more insistent.

"So fuckin' beautiful," Bones murmured all whiskey rough against Jim's lips as he slanted his mouth there, muscles working in his arms and along the length of his back as Bones did his utmost to fuck Jim within an inch of his life.

Jim let out a surprised sound as the angle changed, causing his breath to catch on a moan. His hips twitched downward, the rhythm he’d found was lost briefly as he had to readjust. Not too lost in the sensations to miss it, Bones spotted when Jim curled a hand around himself, able to feel the pressure of Jim’s fingers as well as the knocking of a hand aginst his stomach as Jim jerked himself off in time to the pace being set by Bones’ hips. 

“Fuck- Bone- fu-” Jim bit out, ragged and broken and so fucking close to the edge, pupils wide and blown, blue swallowed by the black that just wanted and needed. He was having trouble staying coherent, but that made it better, that made it perfect. 

And honest to God, Bones could come just by looking at Jim right now, but that would be counterproductive, really fucking counterproductive. He dragged his short blunt nails through Jim's blond hair and closed his grip around the back of the other man's neck as he groaned, body working on what felt like autopilot as he had lost all higher brain functions with the exception of being able to murmur Jim's name like some sort of fucking Sunday prayer. 

He could tell how close Jim was and truth be told he wasn't far behind him because everything was quite literally perfect, setting his every nerve ending alight and causing the normally reserved Doctor to just let loose with abandon as his hips strived to be closer, wanting Jim to feel him for days to come and to never want for anything or anyone else again because damn if Bones wasn't in this for the long run. "C'mon," he encouraged breathlessly. "Wanna see you come, Jim."

Bones' treachorous tongue slithered past Jim's lips and claimed his mouth, the press of teeth all too evident.

Jim was meeting each the press and roll of Bones’ hips in time with the way his hand was working, kissing back messily, tongue curling around Bones’ even as he twisted his wrist just so in a way that made his body shudder and arch. As he did, Bones hit that spot again and again and again and Jim let out a sound that was a keening moan of Bones’ name, his real name not the nickname that he’d insisted on using their whole friendship, as he came apart at the seams, being hit with his orgasm like an old freight train, slamming into him with a force that had the edges of his vision whiting out, eyes squeezing shut as his body twitched and jerked and convulsed underneath and around Bones.

His hand gripped the back of Bones’ neck like he was the anchor in the storm of Jim’s orgasm, breathing out a litany of ‘Leo’ and ‘Bones’ like they were the only words he could remember, body shivering and twitching.

Bones' eyes were wide and swirling with a multitude of emotions as he watched Jim come apart beneath and around him, he really was so fucking beautiful it was almost painful. And then when Jim's shook that was what broke the tenuous grip that Bones had on his own self control. Ha, self control. His own orgasm hit him with all the force of an atomic bomb, sending his body into spasms before several cuss words escaped him along the lines of "Jesus fuck, Christ, mother _fucker_ , fuck, fuck" and all of which were uttered in dragged out vowels as his accent was thick as molasses right now.

He breathed out harshly against Jim's lips as he did his best to ride the tidal wave of pleasure, hips jerking and body twitching as he sought to grope his way through the best orgasm of his entire damn life. Which was saying something considering how long Leonard H McCoy had been alive. His arm were shaking from the sheer strain it was taking to hold his body up and his head dropped forward, mouth lazily moving against Jim's neck as Bones sought to recover breath long since stolen from his battered abused lungs. 

Fuck, just fuck.

Jim tipped his head a little as Bones hid his face against his skin and his hand just moved in slow circles along the older man’s back, muttering nonsense under his breath, words soft and sleepy and voice just on this edge of raw from how purely fucked out he felt. He pressed a kiss to the curve of Bones’ jaw. He closed his eyes again, wiping his hand on the sheets so that he could draw concentric circles against the flawless skin of Bones’ back, and even though he was exhausted, Bones’ body was trying to summon up a response to those touches.

“You kiss Miss Ellie with that mouth?” he teased with a rough chuckle, nipping at Bones’ ear before he continued with, “I can’t believe we never did that before.” Whilst the words might have seemed flippant, to anyone that knew Jim Kirk, they definitely weren’t.

Bones was slowly but surely trying to piece himself back together again because well Jim wasn't the only one feeling fucked out before he gave a rough laugh himself. "You an' me both, kid." He shifted his weight and turned his head in time to catch Jim's mouth in a slow burning kiss because hell he could do that now and he fully intended on doing it a lot, Bones was not exactly reserved with his affection when he had a green light. He really needed to move but his limbs felt heavy and weren't really feeling like co-operating. 

He did however managed to shift his weight so he wasn't pressing down quite as much as he had been, giving Jim a better chance at being able to breathe.

Jim returned the kiss in kind, catching Bones’ jaw with one hand and holding him for a moment as they kissed, breaking it only when Bones shifted his weight. Jim shifted his leg, uncurling it from where it had been locked over Bones’ hip and moved a little himself, feeling Bones slide out of him and he wet his lower lip.

He pushed his fingers through his hair and pressed his head back into the pillows, just breathing.

“‘m not a kid,” he muttered mock-petulantly, rolling onto his side so that he could look at Bones properly, leaning up and stealing another kiss. “You staying, Bones?” he asked, tone light but eyes heavy, almost afraid of the answer he’d get. The question was about staying in the bed, sleeping over, but the connotation was a lot bigger, a lot wider than Jim was willing to put a label on. The edges of his expression spoke of his worry that Bones was going to leave him again, that he'd screwed something up by taking this step.

Bones collapsed quite readily into his side of the bed and without really thinking he looped his arm around Jim's waist like it belonged there closing his fingers around his hip as he tugged the other man closer.

"Yeah," he mumbled roughly as he covered the mark on the side of Jim's neck. "I'm stayin', Jim." His grip remained steady, strong and unrelenting. "Ain't goin' anywhere."

Jim let himself be pulled closer as an arm looped around his waist, tugging him so that his chest was flush against Bones’. He was still for a few seconds before he wriggled only a little, not enough to break the contact, but enough so that he could lie on his other side, so his back was against Bones’ chest. It was a sign of trust, baring the scarred side of himself to Bones even if it was pressed against him, the imperfect side that he didn’t let anyone see if he could help it. Bones’ fingers flexed where they’d come to rest against Jim’s stomach. The kid wouldn’t be there for long, wriggled about too damn much in his sleep but for the moment it was nice.

“‘kay. ‘Cause I’ll maroon you on Delta Vega if you try and quit again,” he muttered sleepily, “There are monsters on that place so big they make Khan’s ship look like a little baby.” He was babbling a little, and that was how the reference to Khan slipped out of his mouth, normally he didn’t talk about him. “And it’s cold there. ’s not nice.”

Jim’s hand covered the one that was curled around his waist. “See y’in the morning, Bones,” he mumbled thickly, comfortable and fucked out and asleep pretty much instantly. Bones watched him for a few moments before he pressed a kiss to the curve of the younger man's shoulder and let himself drift off too. It felt like he was finally home.


	26. Stardate 2260.54

_Stardate 2260.54_

Ever since Bones had returned to the Enterprise he had yet to set foot on the Bridge and there had been a perfectly good reason for that, the Bridge was Jim's the same way the sick bay was Bones' and he'd still respected the other man enough not to invade his precious breathing space. Besides he'd had more than enough work in the sick bay to keep him going, but as the ruthlessly efficient Doctor had settled back in and found his stride again the work had dwindled and suddenly he was up straight. Thankfully it happened at the same time he and Jim had worked their... issues out and so heading towards the Bridge felt like the most obvious step, especially after the other day. 

He of course noticed the way in which Jim sat up straighter and the once playful banter ceased as if his presence was more than enough to sober the entire crew up. Secretly Bones got a kick out of it, he really did. But no he wasn't about to smile and give it away not when it was so much more fun to let them squirm. And as always like he had never left he placed himself behind Jim's left shoulder, hands clasped behind his back.

“Welcome back, Doctor,” Spock finally spoke as he broke the silence. “It is good to see you returning to the Bridge.”

Bones turned his head and acknowledged the Vulcan with a movement of his head before his lips tugged into a small smirk. "Damn good to be back, Commander."

And then Jim finally looked at him and Bones returned his look with one of his own, smirk curling that much more into a smile. He never should have left, he understood that now, but it was a lesson he'd had to learn for himself and it was a lesson well learned. This was where he was supposed to be, in the black, with Jim. 

For now and for however long they had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I blame estel_willow for this fic 100%. It was never supposed to be this long, but apparently Bones/Kirk makes for an EPIC story so thank you for sticking with it and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


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